After buying the Roostville Wal-Mart, PH constructed his underground hide-out beneath it. This would serve as his home and base of operations for the Neo-Nazis of Roostville. Shane is the leader of this group while PH supplies the troops with arms and ammunition. They get recruits by "liberating" them from mental hospitals and prisons. Shane then proceeds to perform genetic experiments on them to create super soldiers. PH trains the conscripts and provides them with weapons.
Chapter One: BUSINESS AS USUAL?
"Those humans better be making some good soldiers," PH grumbled. Meanwhile Kiryu Goji was doing some shopping and began looking around for certain 'supplies'. The Jalepino Club was throwing a party tonight and he couldn't resist pulling a few jokes. However, these would not be serious pranks as he did not want to hurt Rodan2000, Godzilla Guy, Prince of Space or the club itself in the process. It would be rather 'elementary': spraying whipped cream on the toilet seats and replacing toilet paper with sandpaper. He got the necessary materials and was ready to check out but there wasn't a checker in sight.
"ARRGH!" PH yelled when he heard the bell ringing just as he reached the middle of his book. But in order to keep his cover up, he had to tend the store. He walked upstairs and sold Kiryu the equipment. Soon the prankster was ready to leave but Kiryu wondered what exactly PH had been up to when he wasn't taking care of store business. Suddenly, he felt himself being knocked off his feet. Kiryu turned and found that PH had pulled the old 'turn pogo-stick side ways-and-shoot-somebody' gag on him. PH laughed and closed the door behind him. Kiryu's eyes narrowed.
"Nobody out gags Kiryu, stranger. Nobody!" he barked. PH, after dealing with the minor annoyance, went back down to his hide-out and picked up his new reading material, THE YELLOW RIVER by I.P. Freely. The screams of the soldiers were now in German. PH noticed that Shane had also draped a portrait of Hitler over his portrait of Howard Stern.
That no-good reptile... PH growled to himself.
In the lowest part of the Military Compound under Wal-Mart, Shane observed his soldiers. They were still human... to an extent but their sight, hearing and strength had been dramatically increased and they had been given regenerative powers. They were mindless drones now but it was a start.
PH was restocking the clothing aisle with the oh-so popular "Frodo Lives!" T-shirts. They quickly sold out every time they had them in stock. He had just placed the last one on the rack when his cell phone began ringing.
"Yeah, PH. This is Shane. We have kind of a situation down here."
"Did the super attack dog prototype poop in the VCR again?" PH asked.
"No, worse," Shane replied.
"What, then?" PH asked, dreading what he was about to hear.
"Remember the last clinic we liberated?"
"It was the Bulimia Clinic! And the patients weren't cured."
"Oh, god. Didn't you 'modify' them?"
"Yes, but they weren't cured of the bulimia."
"OK. Let's just be thankful that its wasn't the Diarrhea Clinic."
"Yeah..." PH shook his head as he pulled out a mop and walked toward the door to the underground hide-out.
Chapter Two: AN UNHAPPY CUSTOMER
"This is not sake. What the hell?" He threw the bottle down angrily. "The poor wretch who sells this stuff will feel my wrath!" PH heard the sounds of the glass breaking and Zear yelling. He headed over to see what happened.
"Now, theres no need for that."
Zear replied, "So it's you?"
"Yeah... Whats wrong with the sake?"
"It is so crappy that it cannot be real!" PH grabbed an unbroken bottle and took a swig, held out a lighter in front of his mouth and blew fire in Zearatul's face with the sake in his mouth. Zearatul stood there with a singed face looking at him.
"Hmm... It's flammable. Seems alright to me." Zear jumped back and his body surged with white energy.
"Oh, so you wanna play that game!" PH held up his hands and fire covered his body.
"You're covered in fire, yet you are not burning to death?"
"Pyrokinesis, friend. Now I'll show you where I keep the good stuff. You grabbed the Wal-Mart brand sake. It's a conspiracy that they water it down so they don't have to brew as much. I ordered some of the real thing also."
"Hmm..." Zearatul laughed. "I may enjoy you yet, just as long as you aren't in league with those NNORV arseholes. Then I would have to kill you." PH just stood there. "Well, let's sample the real sake!" Just then, Shane barges through the door from his hide-out and toward them.
"What the bloody hell is going on!? The Fire Alert system is going off!" Then he sees the mess Zearatul had made. His leather gloves make a bit of a stretching sound as he clenches his fists. "PH, I'm gonna give you ten minutes to take care of him. If you're not done in ten minutes, I'm going to send in the soldiers." Shane then walks back to his hide-out, locking the doors to the passage that goes down around 100 feet and to a giant vault-like door.
"You really take orders from that SOB?" Zearatul asked PH who nodded. "Right. I'm going to show you something and then you're going to give me a 'yes' or 'no' answer. Depending on what it is, you won't be taking orders from anyone. Ever." PH nodded again as Zearatul opened a black hole. PH soon found himself on top of Mt. Rodan. Zearatul then pointed to a group of Zerg moving toward Roostville. "I let them come here for this demonstration..." Suddenly, a black hole sucks them into nothingness. "Now, I don't like that 'Shane' kid so... if you help me fight him, I'll give you some troops and you can have your own militia. What do you say?"
PH finally answered. "Hmm, I might take you up on that deal."
"Excellent..." PH was looking at where the Zerg were when his phone rang.
Chapter Three: BURRITO
"PH! We got big bad mojo over here!" It was Shane.
"What happened?" PH asked.
"Your dog is outta control."
"Jeez, don't bother him when he drinks out of the toilet!" PH yelled.
"But I had to go!" Shane tried to explain.
"Umm, Burrito's toilet is a special toilet."
"Burrito's toilet is not hooked up to any plumbing."
"Explain." demanded Shane.
"Its plumbing system is hooked up to my BREWERY!!! The toilet fills itself with booze!" PH exclaimed. "I'll be there to take care of it." He broke the connection and said to Zear, "I have to go. We'll talk later. Can I get a black hole back to the Wal-Mart?"
"A booze toilet? What the blue blazes?" Zear shrugged and opened a black hole to the Wal-Mart. PH stepped through and waved good bye. At the entrance to the hide-out, he found some of Shane's soldiers shooting at what looked like the Taco Bell Dog crossed with the Hulk. That was Burrito, PH's pet so he ordered them to stop. He then looked Burrito in the eye and started petting him. The dog slowly started shrinking and became the size of a normal chihuahua. PH picked up Burrito and held him in his arms.
"Mean old soldiers been shooting at you, were they?" He scratched the dog behind the ears as it contentedly lay in his master's arms. PH looked at the soldiers and ordered, "Go back to your chambers, NOW!!!" They nodded and walked down the hall. Later that day, PH walked up to the front of the Wal-Mart and put up a sign that read NOW HIRING.
Chapter Four: NEW PLANS
- 3 Tiger Tanks
- 2 King (Royal) Tiger Tanks
- 1,000 MP-40s
- 90 K98s
- 50 Panzer Faust
- 1,000 Walther P38s (These are carried by every soldier)
"Hmm... So they DID bring the creature known as Hell Boy to this Earth..." He then frantically looks through the pages, trying to find what they used. "Eureka!" There it was, the machine to open the Abyss.
"PH, come here! Quickly! We have work to do!" he shouted. PH was sipping a drink and Burrito was drinking out of the toilet. He pulled the dog from the toilet and proceeded to see what Shane wanted.
Zearatul snapped his head towards the Wal-Mart. Someone was trying to open a portal nearby. Where are you going... Zearatul tried to sense the destination of the warp. There? Zearatul prepared to release a Zerg swarm onto Shane's Abyss machine.
Shane had ordered jack hammers, drills and tons of small earth moving equipment. "You! Work harder!" he yells, going toward one of his soldiers. A new room is being built, deeper in the Earth. The armor and weapons he has ordered are on the way to be stored in one of the upper rooms. "You idiot! The dirt is put on THAT conveyor!" After hitting the worker with a shovel, Shane walks back to his chambers and picks up the book he was reading, one of Hitler's diaries. "As the Project is completed, a group of Amerikan soldiers attack the Base and destroy the Project. Five years of Research and Development... destroyed. Luckily, I still have the Lance of Longinus which pierced the side of Christ. It increased my power tenfold." This gave Shane one of the grandest ideas ever.
PH was up in the Beverages aisle, spiking the juice boxes. He had heard Shane babbling on about some satanic ritual and something called 'the Longinus spear'. He simply figured that Shane was having one of those 'days'. To avoid problems with him, PH had taken Burrito upstairs and let him attack pedestrians outside. PH had rigged the security systems so that anybody detected stealing merchandise would receive 10,000 volts of electricity blasted into their body. The arsonist was extremely bored when he saw Zear walk in through the door.
PH walked up to him and asked, "Whats up?"
"I don't know anymore... I thought I was preparing a Zerg swarm to destroy a machine that would access Hell. Then I walked in here and my plans had simply disappeared... seriously."
Shane soon came over and explained, "I'm trying to do them all. I need Yoblleh, aka the Left Hand of Doom to take the Spear of Longinus which will make me pure enough to touch the Ark of the Covenant. And then, I shall either steal or build an Ignore Cannon and change the fabric of time to my will. Muwahahahaha!"
Chapter Five: NEW HIRES
"Nobody has responded to our Help Wanted sign." Shane scratched his chin, then an evil grin spread across his face.
"Leave it to me. I'll get you some employees." He hurried off towards the soldiers' quarters and PH knew what the reptile was going to do so he headed towards his room. It was only 5:00 PM but PH could use a long nap.
The next day, PH woke up and had to pull Burrito out of the toilet. The dog had gotten stuck while drinking from it. PH dried him off and put on his "Support Mental Disorder!" shirt. The arsonist then walked upstairs to the Wal-Mart and found some of Shane's soldiers walking about the place in employee uniforms. PH saw one violently beating a customer and forcing them to wear an arm band. PH figured it was not that much worse than how "normal" Wal-Mart employees behaved. Shane was still in his chambers, reading more of Hitler's diaries. "With the War nearing its end, I have decided to take the Spear, fake my own death and move too Russia. Stalin has secured me a place in the Soviet Cabinet. My plans of world domination have withered away due too the Amerikans. Alas, no amount of my power can stop the Amerikan, General Patton." Shane was becoming bored with this book so he got online and arranges a trip to the United States, to New Jersey to be exact.
Kiryu Goji charged in through the door because, well, he was just acting stupid. He tripped on a paint can and rolled clear through the store before falling face first in Burrito's toilet. By the time he managed to get up, he was so blissfully drunk that he fell down the stairs, backwards and landed on his head. PH had gotten to rest finally after Shane put his soldiers to work in the store and was reading the new edition of GAME INFORMER with the article on Megaman X99. He heard a loud clunk! towards the stairs and walked out to find Kiryu Goji drunk at the bottom of the steps. PH grinned and pulled a razor and a permanent marker out of his back pocket. He shaved Kiryu Goji's left eyebrow off and wrote I *heart* GINO on his forehead. PH then went to Shane's personal refrigerator and pulled out a slab of raw meat and slid it down Kiryu Goji's pants before dragging him down the hall. PH went to the 'special' janitor's closet where the mops were kept that were used to clean up barf from the bulimic soldiers. PH heaved Kiryu Goji in there and shut the door. Lets see him sober up to that! he chuckled to himself. PH was walking down the hall back to the lounge area when Shane stopped him.
"PH, do you have a plane of some sort in you possession?"
"Well, yeah. Why?"
Shane explained, "I have an errand in New Jersey I have to tend to."
"I just received a big batch of jet fuel from RandomExpensiveThings.com. I was going to use it for starting fires but I guess you could use it for the trip." PH led him to a large shed behind the Wal-Mart and pulled open the rusty doors. Shane beheld a small military supply jet with a flame paint job. "Behold, The Flying Ember!" PH printed off an instruction manual for his jet since he decided to sit the trip out. Somebody had to make sure that the soldiers running the store didn't brutally murder everyone who shopped there. Shane would take only his five best generals to New Jersey and PH thought that was a stupid thing to do. Hell Boy could kill all of them by himself, he thought. When he calls back here asking for backup, I'm not helping. He's the one who's going to attack a complex guarded by heavily armed soldiers and a demon with only five men.
Shane had gone to prepare the jet for take-off ten minutes ago and the generals were readying themselves for the trip. PH walked out to the shed and saw Shane having some lower ranking soldiers give The Flying Ember a new paint job: all red.
"Hey, I need to do you a favor for me," PH said, pointing to some outhouses outside the shed. "Drop those from 50,000 feet."
Shane asked, "Why? The soldiers use those." PH nodded.
"Exactly. It would make the best prank."
"Whatever." Shane ordered a soldier to load the outhouses into the planes cargo compartment.
Kiryu awoke with a huge hangover. He had a tremendous headache but he soon rose up and studied his surroundings.
'Where exactly am I anyway?" Then he saw the barf covered mops and yelled, "OH GOD!" He had looked in a mirror and saw what was written on his forehead. "OH GAWD!" he shrieked. He then spent three hours attempting to clean the writing off his face when his pants felt cold. He pulled out a piece of meat. "At least something's gone right," he said and promptly ate it.
Chapter Six: SECOND THOUGHTS
"Lets get you some food." He walked to the hide-out's pantry and grabbed a can of refried beans and a can opener and opened it. As he poured the beans into the dog's food bowl, he thought to himself I should call Zear. I'm tired of Shane and his 'I'm going to conquer the world' crap. It's really bothering me now. PH reached for his cell phone.
It had been almost three days since Shane left and PH was enjoying the peace and quiet. Burrito was sleeping soundly on the arsonist's lap as he sat in his new armchair stolen from the Wal-Mart, of course) and watched television. PH changed the channel to CNN and there was Headline News about a mysterious group of six, obviously Shane and his five generals, breaking into a Trash Processing Plant (secretly, the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense) PH thought, and in a huge shoot-out with local authorities. They had escaped and were seen with a golden staff, the Lance of Longinus. PH thought to himself He'll be back any minute now. PH heard the rumbling of his plane landing outside on the runway and Shane was back. The reptile soon came inside the building and down the stairs to the hide-out.
He walked into PH's living room and exclaimed, "I got it! I got the Spear of Longinus!" PH congratulated him and Shane ran off down the hall and called his soldiers to prepare for the ritual they had been planning. He was going to try to summon the Left Hand of Doom. The Right Hand of Doom had already been summoned (Hell Boy). PH thought the entire thing was stupid and walked to his liquor closet and grabbed a six-pack of Bacardi before heading back to the living room.
Five hours later, PH was very, very drunk and wandering the halls, stumbling on things as he went. Shane had opened the portal to Hell to let the evil creatures flow into this world. The portal ran on electricity and the entire thing could be shut off if the cord was unplugged.
Boom! Kiryu opened the closet door with a cherry bomb. He saw a very drunk God of PH and got an idea. He put a bunch of bacon strips on the ceiling fan and loaded his squirt gun with glue. When PH came into the room, Kiryu sprayed him with the glue and turned the fan on. Hundreds of bacon strips were stuck to PH's body and then Kiryu opened a door, releasing ten guard dogs. They tackled PH and began eating the bacon right off of him.
Kiryu laughed and yelled, "Got you, sucker!" Then he ran away.
As the dogs jumped on PH, the drunken arsonist's eyes turned all orange and flames engulfed the area around him. The dogs caught on fire and started yelping and running around. PH brushed the charred bacon off himself and decided he'd get Kiryu later and went to see how Shane's ritual was going. PH kicked the door open to find him with a large mechanical glove on his hand, standing in front of a large door into what appeared to be blank space. PH was going to walk in the room but tripped over a large cord running from Shane's machine. He fell to the ground as the cord was ripped from the wall. The door to the other realm was fading into nothingness as Shane screamed.
"NOOOOOO!!!" The portal closed and Shane detached the mechanical glove from his hand. "You... ruined... my... ritual." His skin was starting to become green and scalier. Shane grabbed PH by the throat when one of the soldiers called.
"SIR!!! We've discovered that something indeed made it through the gate." Shane stopped and his skin went back to normal. One soldier was carrying what looked to be a blue monkey that looked exactly like the young Hell Boy but it was blue and had silver eyes instead of gold. It also had a stone left hand instead of the right one. Shane examined the creature and named it Yoblleh, Hell Boy spelled backwards. He grabbed the creature out of the soldier's arms and excitedly ran off down the hall to another room. Shane intended to raise this creature, hoping it would turn out to be like Hell Boy, except that it worked for him.
Chapter Seven: A PARTING OF WAYS
PH's eyes turned that bright orange color again as fire engulfed the room and a small explosion occurred as the fire came in contact with the satanic liquid. The fire spread through the pipes and the central pump exploded. Shane burst into the room, carrying Yoblleh.
"What happened?" PH turned to face the reptile.
"You ruined it. You turned my marvelous booze fountain into a satanic juice dispenser. Get yourself, your demon and your army out of my hide-out and Wal-Mart. NOW!!!" Shane's expression went from confused to angry. He was clearly annoyed.
"Nobody kicks me out." PH cracked his knuckles.
"I just did." Shane's skin started turning a green tint and became increasingly scaly each moment as he grew larger and his skull became longer and narrower. A tail was beginning to protrude from his back. When he became Mutant Shane, he would lose that wit and intelligence the reptile normally displayed in his more familiar form. PH ran out of the room and the beast gave chase, up the stairs and out the door to the outside. Shane had finished his metamorphosis to the 20 foot hulking dinosaur fiend known as Mutant Shane. PH raised his hands into the air and fired gargantuan fire balls at him. His first major Roostville fight had begun as Mutant Shane roared. PH shot fire balls down the reptile's throat. MS screeched and swung at PH with his left arm, knocking him back nearly 20 feet. PH's eyes turned that dastardly orange again as his entire body was covered in flame but he wasn't burning.
PH stood there, looking like a flaming specter before charging forward and punching MS with a flaming fist. The heat of it was intense, hurting the reptile more than the physical force. MS wailed and grabbed the flaming body by the waist, slamming the arsonist to the ground. He raised his other arm to attempt to pound him but PH slipped away. There was a solid body beneath this shield of fire that raised its arms to launch two white-hot fire balls into Shane's scaly face. They hit head-on and the reptile dropped PH to the ground. Blackness and deformity now covered the saurian's snout. PH took advantage of the moment and showered Shane with more of the nasty fire balls. The entire body of the reptile was toasted but not dead. Mutant Shane began shrinking, his reptilian features changing into human. The weak, human Shane now stood where the reptilian fiend had been. Shaking and naked, he glared at the flaming PH. The arsonist calmed down and extinguished the flames surrounding his body. PH's skin and clothes were not burned at all as he walked up to Shane.
"I've kicked your ass fair and square. Now get you and your army out of here." Shane was angry but he nodded before walking back to the hide-out to evacuate his soldiers. A few hours later, they and their weapons were loaded up. PH thought Shane would destroy the Wal-Mart and hide-out but the reptile kept his word. PH was standing at the door and stopped Shane before he came out the final time.
"Playing evil Nazi was fun for a while but it got boring."
Shane assured him, "Me and my army will be back. We'll conquer Roostville and the first thing I'll do is destroy your little Wal-Mart."
"Well, good luck with that." Shane stomped up the stairs and out the door.