THE RANDOM MURDER

INDEX

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Epilogue
CAST OF
CHARACTERS
Battrarules
Boo
Imposterzilla
Minsc
RadoGoji
Rudy
Sandworm Phish
Sheriff Varan
Zax
LOCATIONS and
ENTITIES
Mr. Burger
Wal-Mart
Bill's Bug-B-Gone
Rudy's Rodent Round-Up
Mod Squad

INTRODUCTION

Started by RadoGoji on Oct. 9, 2003 (October 2010 in the Roostverse). A murder mystery unfolds and it's up to RadoGoji, a reborn paladin and his miniature giant space hamster to solve it!

Chapter One: STARTLING DISCOVERY

A tall, muscular man swung his sword around the apartment, yelling and grunting with each swing. He was bald and had a purple ring-like marking over his face. He was Minsc, the berserker warrior from a faraway land, who just happened to show up in Roostville. The hamster, Boo, looked at Minsc from his cage.

"The follow through is very important. Watch and be amazed, Boo." Minsc swung his sword and accidentally knocked over RadoGoji's lamp.

"Oopsie..."

"I heard a crashing sound!" said RadoGoji, rushing into the room. His eyes immediately turned toward the lamp. "Minsc! How many times have I told you about swordplay inside the apartment?"

"But, Rado! 'Tis not 'play.' 'Tis practice..."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Rado answered to find the manager of the complex standing there. He was none too happy at the sword-wielding tenant making noise.

"I'm getting complaints! Keep it down!"

"Well, friends, I have an idea," said Minsc, always the optimistic one. "Let us leave so as the neighboring rooms will be angry no longer."

"Okay..." Minsc picked up Boo and the three headed to the park.

After walking a while, Boo started to squeak.

"What is it, Boo?" asked Minsc. Boo scampered across the grass to what looked like a dead body.

"Someone has fallen in battle!" declared Minsc as he looked at the corpse.

"No, not battle," said Rado. "He was just stabbed to death... repeatedly... with a fork! And we all know how pointy forks are!"

"Who could commit such an evil act?" Minsc wondered. "Fear not, my non-functioning friend! You shall be avenged!" Suddenly, Rado got an idea.

"Maybe if we figured out who the murderer is, we'll finally be recognized for doing good deeds in Roostville!" Boo squeaked in agreement as someone walked closer to their position.

Picking up Boo, Minsc addressed the figure. "Who are you? Stand and deliver so that my hamster may have a better look at you!"

The deceased had only been recently murdered and the killer was still in the area. He had been watching RadoGoji and Minsc as they discovered what would be the first of many victims. As they departed, he kept a close eye on them...

Chapter Two: A POSSIBLE CLUE

Boo leaped out of Minsc's hand and ran towards where he heard a rustling sound. Unfortunately, all that could be found was a dirty fork.

"Curses!" frowned Minsc. "It appears the murderer was somewhere around here but has left. I smell evil and I know it is watching us."

"This fork looks familiar," noted Rado. "This fork is definitely from Mr. Burger, where I work!"

"The evil scent has concealed itself. We must move swiftly, for we may be next," cautioned Minsc, scooping up Boo. "Methinks we should head to your workplace where we may find some clues." They went to Rado's golf cart and set off toward Mr. Burger.

When they entered, the scent of burgers filled there nostrils. Minsc turned towards the waiter.

"I have a hunch that he committed the murder!" he declared.

"Let's not be accusing without evidence," RadoGoji cautioned. Boo pointed towards the kitchen door. The waiter turned round and they saw that the figure had an evil grin on his face.

"May I look at your hands?" Minsc asked.

"Eh, whatever... I've got work to do so hurry up!" They looked and were shocked to find out there was no mark at all. They sighed and let the waiter go. Boo pointed to the kitchen door yet again so they went inside where people were working at top speed very busily.

"Nope. These cooks all work too hard and they are not allowed to leave until the guests are all gone," Rado pointed out.

Minsc snapped his fingers. "I have it! If it isn't any of the chefs or any of the waiters, then it must be a person eating here!" They went back out and looked around the hundreds of tables that filled Mr. Burger.

Chapter Three: ANOTHER VICTIM

"We'll never find the killer!" Rado figured. Suddenly, his despair was cut off by a blood curdling scream from the crowd. Patrons rushed to the vicinity of the outburst. Rado, Minsc and Boo also ran over to see what was up. A lady lay dead on the floor.

"That's funny," said Minsc. "There is a death and yet I smelt no evil in the building." After everyone ran out, Rado, Minsc and Boo stayed to investigate the crime scene.

"A cunning foe," thought Rado. Boo squeaked as he saw yet another fork. Minsc noticed an open window. He looked at both the window and the location of the fork.

"This was no stabbing," the berserker said. "This was a throwing!"

"Someone threw the fork?" wondered a very confused Rado. "But who has the strength to throw the fork so hard it kills someone? Besides, although there are holes in the place where the lady was hit, the fork seemed to have bounced off, judging from the distance the fork was from the body. Very confusing, indeed..."

"Good observation, Rado," said Minsc. "It seems the pointy part of the fork is covered in some weird liquid." He put on a glove and picked it up by the handle, putting it into a bag. "We should use Rado's sciency stuff back home to figure out what this substance is." They quickly left Mr. Burger and headed back to their apartment to analyze the mysterious substance.

Chapter Four: OBSERVATIONS

They soon d determined it to be WIZZ, making the fork fly very far. But little did they realize that the killer was watching them! Preparing a rather difficult Triple-Forker, the assassin bit back a curse as Minsc absentmindedly closed the window. Transpari-steel fortified Plexiglas now barred the trio of investigators from the lurking presence outside. Opting to retire for the evening, the fiend dropped from his perch in the ledge just below Rado's apartment window, snagged a tree branch on the way down and landed on his back. A series of chittered profanities, delivered in a not entirely human tone, were the last thing uttered before Roostville's latest malefactor melted into the night.

"This isn't just any normal substance!" RadoGoji said as he looked at the WIZZ. "Not only does it make the fork fly farther but it's been modified so that it burns holes into the victim's skin and poisons the bloodstream."

"Who would be smart and crazy enough to come up with such a concoction?" asked Minsc.

"I don't know..." Boo squeaked and pointed to the TV which was playing a WIZZ commercial (don't ask why).

"WIZZ is available at all Wal-Mart locations," the pitch man said.

"To the golf cart!" Minsc declared.

They all drove to the nearest Wal-mart but their hearts sank when they found it was closed. Suddenly, they saw a dark figure sneaking around in the bushes.

"Freeze!" Minsc shouted as they all ran over and pinned him to the ground. They found it was Zax, King of Darkness. Their hearts sank once more.

"Zax is too stupid to cook up a plan like this," RadoGoji said with a sigh.

"No, I am not! What are you talking about anyway? I... I... wait!!!" Zax yelled. It was obviously not him.

They walked onwards. Suddenly, Boo pointed to something and they both followed his gaze. It was a tube of WIZZ. A drop of green substance was next to the white tube. Rado picked it up carefully and put it into a paper bag.

"Let us go and analyze this tube of WIZZ!" he declared. Someone in the bushes eyed them cautiously.

After analyzing the tube of WIZZ, the three found that this was normal WIZZ and not the modified variety from the Mr. Burger fork. RadoGoji looked at the two samples and was able to deduct that an acidic substance and a poisonous substance were added to the altered one.

"What kind of acid is it?" Minsc asked.

"Seems to be a mostly diluted hydrochloric acid," Rado explained. "Just acidic enough to burn holes in the skin. And this is that new brand of liquid rat poison Dr. Phish created and distributes to extermination services."

"Where can we find this rat poison?" Minsc asked.

"We could look into some of the pest control services around here," Rado said. "Let me see..." he looked in a phone book. "We've got two that use Phish's rat poison: Bill's Bug-B-Gone, and Rudy's Rodent Round-Up."

"To the golf cart!" they all shouted (and squeaked). When they got outside, Minsc sniffed the air.

"You ever feel like we're being watched?" he asked. "Because I smell evil." Rado looked around.

"Zax, quit watching us!" Because nothing happened, Rado assumed that Zax went away, although he was never there.

"He's gone now." Little did they know that someone was still watching them from a nearby mailbox. The man took off his sunglasses.

"Very clever, my gang of detectives, very clever!" The person jumped into a tree. "But not clever enough..." He then sneaked away.

Chapter Five: RUDY'S RODENT ROUND-UP

Rado got out of the golf cart with the fork and they went to see the owner of the Rudy's Rodent Round-Up. Rudy himself was at the counter.

"Tell us what thy substance is on this fork here!!!" Minsc demanded.

"Squeak!" Boo agreed. Rudy went into the back room with the fork and analyzed it.

"Why, I would never use this stuff!" Rudy said in surprise. "This was banned years ago because it killed the rats but it made their fleas multiply and any viruses they carried would spread. The only place this is still available in is China!"

"So our killer is Chinese..." Rado said thoughtfully.

"Or has visited China," Minsc pointed out.

A man with sunglasses was looking though the window and muttered, "You've said enough, Rudy!" He pulled the trigger on his shotgun. There was a loud Bang! and Rudy fell dead on the floor. But by the time the trio were looking out the window, the killer had vanished. Minsc turned in the direction of the bang. They went to investigate but all that was to be seen was a dead Rudy. RadoGoji noticed that this murder was not caused with fork stabbing or poisoned fork throwing. This was done with a gun.

"This isn't a forking so it might not be the same guy," he figured. "Maybe we should..."

"No, Rado," Minsc corrected. "It is the same. I smell the same scent of evil as that of the other killer."

"I see," Rado said. "He's covering up any consistencies that could lead to his identity being revealed." Boo saw some gun powder outside the shop which Rado scooped up and put in a bag to analyze later. They still had to go to Bill's Bug-B-Gone. The three leapt into the golf cart and were soon on their way.

"Clever kid..." the killer said from a nearby streetlight.

Chapter Six: BATTRARULES

Imposterzilla was walking along when he heard a screeching sound emanating from the old abandoned boiler room where Battrarules made his home. The structure lit up with fire and the temperature nearby rose tremendously. Imp decided to run away as Battrarules emerged, unscathed. He had just been taking care of personal business.

Meanwhile, a Kenny was also out walking about. Suddenly, three gravity bolts slammed into him. The Kenny watched with fear as a figure bearing a chain saw approached. The attacker cut him apart and left chunks for everyone to find. As he flew off, the killer began laughing like a man possessed. The laugh was very similar to that of Freddy's...

The next day, Rado and Minsc walked outside to see Battrarules staggering around with blood on his shirt but it wasn't human or Kenny blood. It was his own. The words All will die! were scrawled in English by what looked like the magic of a certain Manchurian Emperor. Rado had heard that Battrarules had a connection with the Lord Conqueror and wondered what this meant. As he approached him, he realized that Battrarules was not himself.

"I am having a problem. Leave me alone!" Tentacles burst out of his back and he swatted Rado and Minsc away without even noticing what he was doing. They landed against a building as Roostville's Son of 100 Maniacs hurtled off. Rado decided he would follow to see what he could learn about Battrarules. Maybe he was the killer! Or, as he reflected, maybe he was just losing it again. Either way, this might make his day interesting.

Chapter Seven: MORE SUSPICIONS

The golf cart sped through the city and following Battrarules seemed to be a fruitful idea. Then RadoGoji noticed someone wandering around in an alley. They stopped and Boo went to investigate. The figure walked around a corner, dumped a bag into a nearby dumpster and went through a door in a building. When the steel door closed, Boo signaled to his compatriots to look at the bag. The stuff inside was not pleasant. It seemed to be some sort of meat and suspicious so Rado took a sample and the crew went back to the apartment.

Minsc looked at the stuff through a microscope and voiced his findings.

"What we have here is human muscle tissue!"

"You mean that stuff was some cut up guy?" asked Rado.

"Indeed," replied Minsc. "Where was this dumpster located?"

"Behind..." Rado paused as some of the pieces came clicking together. "Bill's Bug-B-Gone!" The rat poison seemed to be a clear factor, as did a motive to shoot Rudy (with them being competitors and all) but what would explain the WIZZ, the forks and the all-of-a-sudden outbursts of chain saws and gravity bolts?

First off, the forks were Mr. Burger forks. Rado could access the security tapes at the restaurant and check for any weird activity around the plastic utensil dispensers, drink and condiments area. Sure enough, about a week or so earlier, someone could be seen taking handfuls of plastic forks at one time. Rado remembered that day when the plastic forks all but disappeared and recognized the figure from the alley.

Minsc asked around the local Wal-Marts and found out from one cashier that a shady character had bought a bunch of WIZZ a while back. Minsc told Rado and the group deducted that the two incidents were indeed connected. How could the chain saw and gravity bolts fit? Rado thought he should do some detective work around Bill's Bug-B-Gone.

Knowing that the killer knew they might be on to him, Rado went to the exterminator's place in disguise. He immediately noticed a little bit of powdery residue on the floor.

"Can I help you, sir?" Bill asked Rado as he came in.

"Yes," said Rado in a British accent to disguise his voice. "I have a bit of a rat infestation and was wondering if you would be good for the job."

"Well, I sure can take care of that, sir," said Bill. "I'm the best exterminator in Roostville! Just ask anyone, Mr..."

"Uh, Englebert," said Rado. "Mr. Charles Englebert. I was wondering, Mr. Bill... What kind of methods do you use for exterminating rats?"

"Well, I have a real nifty system for getting rid of rats." Bill bent down behind the counter to get something. While he was doing so, Rado quickly scooped up some of the powder and stood back up to see Bill pop up with a gun type piece of equipment.

"My word," exclaimed Rado in alarm. "What is that contraption?"

"This here's a cool little piece of equipment that'll kill rats dead on the first try, guaranteed. Got it straight from Dr. Phish himself," said Bill, proudly. "This thing shoots out bolts of pure gravity, though it kind of looks like electricity. It can kill almost any vermin with little to no mess!"

"Yes, I've noticed that you get many of your supplies from Dr. Phish, judging from these barrels of poison over here," said Rado, pointing.

"Yep. This rat poison is state of the art stuff. Nothing can top it. Why do you think so much of this is exported to China?"

"China?"

"I'm really not sure myself," the exterminator continued. Rado noticed an open door in the back and tried to position himself to see what was inside. "But this stuff'll knock 'em dead, just like that!" Bill snapped his fingers. Rado could see something in a dark corner of the small back room. A bloody chain saw!

"Indeed," said Rado. "Well, I certainly see that you've got your work cut out for you, sir. I'll talk it over with the missus and get back to you tomorrow."

"Alright, Mr. Englebert," said Bill. "I'll be looking forward to seeing you."

Upon exiting the building, Rado rushed home to check the powder. It was gunpowder alright, the same stuff used in Rudy's death.

"It all makes sense," said Rado. "Bill's gotta be the killer. I saw the chain saw and everything."

"Rado, we shouldn't come to conclusions based on a hunch," cautioned Minsc. "We need solid proof."

Rado mobilized Boo to go on a scouting mission. Dressed in a black ninja style suit, the hamster hid in the shadows, waiting for the killer. Sure enough, the shadowy figure again came into the alley, dropped another bag into the dumpster and walked back inside. Luckily, Boo had put a rock in the doorway to stop it from closing all the way. He looked in the bag. Again, it was filled with bits of the killer's prey. He slipped through the door, just in time to see the killer step into the light of the shop.

Bill walked into the back room with Boo close behind and carrying a small video camera. Bill put the chain saw down in the corner and lit some candles. He kneeled before a small picture of a scary looking man who looked kind of like a cross between Freddie Mercury and Frank Zappa with a rottweiler beside him. The man in the picture seemed familiar to Boo but the answer would come to him when the exterminator began to chant.

"Oh, Manos, God of Primal Darkness..." The hell? Boo recognized the man as "The Master" from the completely unscary B-movie stinker, MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE. Boo put his paw on his forehead and shook his head.

"Master Manos, holiest of the holy. I have brought to you another sacrifice. The means of before, the unexpected fork seemed to draw too much attention to our cause. The chain saw works just nicely. Your next sacrifice will be of a snooping young man, his bald friend and a hamster. All to feed your power, oh Manos!"

Boo knew that Bill was going after him, Rado and Minsc next but this guy was clearly off the rocker and he wouldn't give him the chance.

At the Mod Station the next day, Rado, Minsc and Boo handed all the evidence to Sheriff Varan himself, showing the exterminator for what he really was: a sick, insane freak who worshipped a fake god from a really bad movie. The Mods soon surrounded Bill's Bug-B-Gone and arrested the killer who was immediately sent to the nearest mental institution. Rado, Minsc and Boo were given a handsome reward for their efforts, which would really help Rado get his new technology ideas off the ground, including new features for the golf cart, a device he had in mind called a "Little Computer Thing" and other stuff.

THE END


Epilogue

The case, however, didn't give Rado what he had really expected: renown and recognition but that was okay for now. He knew he would get it some day.

That's all for now but Rado returns to action in ATTACK OF THE ROOSTVILLE ROBOTS!



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