BEHIND THE SCENES

of ROBBERY IN ROOSTVILLE

INDEX

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Epilogue
CAST OF
CHARACTERS
Ancalagon the Black
Angillis 333
Anzila
Bato-Goji
Catbert
Earth Baragon
Evil Genius Man
Gamingboy
Goji Son
Gorgozilla
Jet Jaguar
Koji Kobayashi
Lord Jimifulss
Melkor
Miyako Aso
Morgoth
Raptor
Saruman
Sauron
Ubergeek
Sheriff Varan
LOCATIONS and
ENTITIES
Mod Squad
Ogasawara Daikaiju
Preserve

Morgoth's penthouse
Godzilla Tower
Kaiju Fight Club
Roostville Cable &
Telephone Co.

City Hall
GODZILLA: THE
REVISED SERIES

Kong Town
East River City-Buster
G PROJECT
Roostville Fire
Department

KIJU-106
Ghidorah Arena/Day
Care Center-of-Doom

INTRODUCTION

Originally started May 4, 2003 by Angillis 333 and taking place April 2008 in the Roostville Universe, this is the "follow-up" tale to ROBBERY IN ROOSTVILLE
Chapter One: SCENE #X334:
As Morgoth's forces close about a fallen Ancalagon the Black, the tension and excitement of the moment is abruptly broken.

"Cut! That's a wrap for today, people." As one, several thousand Maori extras sigh in relief and depart to scrub off their Orcish make-up. Ancalagon and Bagan exchange high fives, then go their separate ways. Malystryx lights a cigarette and follows the demon-dragon. Ancalagon, passing close to the camera (which at this point is vibrating furiously with each footstep he takes) bends down. A hideous rumbling hiss crawls from his fanged maw.

"Right... This is the part where they explain what a masterpiece of CGI or hydraulics or whatever I am, eh? Well, bollix on that! 100% Real Monster here and don't you forget it." In the distance, we hear an ungodly roar as Bagan calls Anc to come get some lunch. "Well, gotta go. Catch you on the flip side... or whatever the catch phrase of the week is for you people."

During the welcome break in shooting, Ancalagon happily plops himself next to Bagan who was also a pal of his back in college. The two chat like the old friends they are and their hearty guffaws/bellows echo across the mess hall. Ancalagon pulls out a book from his wings which he is quite engrossed in: HOW TO KILL YOUR ENEMIES SADISTICALLY WITH 100% EFFICACY by Dr. D. Destroyah.

Morgoth, the director, soon enters, exhausted from the day's work. He waves at Ancalagon and Bagan, taking a seat with Melkor and company. They are all a merry bunch, eating happily without a care in the world until Malystryx bursts into the room, her gigantic frame literally wreathed in flame. After a good half hour of getting the dragon to calm down, Malys explains that her obsidian earrings had been stolen!

Everyone goes into high alert, suspecting everyone from the venerable production crew to the make-up artists, who Malys think are the culprits. No progress is made until Ancalagon stares at her head but the dragon remains dumbfounded and clueless. Morgoth suddenly laughs and pulls out a mirror for her to look at.

She was WEARING the earrings all along.

Chapter Two: AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR
With all the commotion Malystryx was causing, no one noticed the big black limousine, three rental cars and two Mod cruisers that had pulled onto the lot. A blast of a familiar Ifukube score boomed from one of the rental cars, sending cast and crew into a further frenzy.

"SECURE THE CAMERAS!" Morgoth yelled, running between the tables and gathering up script copies from anyone ambitious enough to be studying their lines during the lunch break. Ubergeek realized that something was very wrong and tackled the Mayor-cum-film maker in a flurry of scripts and crashing table settings.

"Hold it right there!" the Geekspawn yelled. "When you hit me up to finance this movie, you said we wouldn't have any problems from the Kaiju Actors Guild, the MPAA, PTA or PETA. What are THOSE GUYS doing here?!"

"Maybe its another guild thing..." the Morgoth ventured. Not ones to worry about the various complications that could be in store, Raptor and Angillis headed for the kitchen, hoping to get to the cameras still locked down on the outdoor set. Sheriff Varan had already intercepted Jet Jaguar when he tried to make his exit and just shook his head.

"Rats!" Angillis fumed. "There goes our chance for at least making bootlegs."

The uninvited visitors had entered the commissary and a skinny guy in a suit and thick-rimmed glasses was yelling through a bull horn in Japanese. Since everyone just stood and stared at him, another older man in a golf shirt grabbed the horn and calmly addressed the crowd in English.

"I am Shusuke Kaneko." At those words, even Morgoth and the Geekspawn popped their heads up from under the table where they were hiding.

Chapter Three: RECEPTION AT THE GODZILLA TOWER
Pulling out a bottle of champagne and cranking up the classical music playing in the background, the finely dressed Mayor of Roostville entered the elegantly ornamented and opulent function room. Wearing a richly decorated jacket, Morgoth could have passed for a modern day dictator, what with all his medals and other insignia.

Handel's Messiah came on, which sent tears of ecstasy running down Mr. Kaneko's face. The Geekspawn soon arrived, being the star of the film. He wore a tuxedo, which 'just didn't go with him well', Melkor noted. Speaking of which, the junior Dark Lord had not been present at the day's filming.

"Allow me to comment that we are truly honored by your presence, Mr. Kaneko," Morgoth bowed to the esteemed director.

"Thank you. I assure you this elaborate welcome was not necessary." Mr. Kaneko then explained his true purpose for being present at the shoot: It seems that as a member of PETA, he was tasked to oversee the production of the film and assure that no Kaiju would be hurt in the battle sequences. He further elaborated that there had been numerous cases of maltreatment of Kaiju in past, similar productions.

"I assure you, my presence here will be of minor concern to your production." After an hour of further conversation, Mr. Kaneko made his exit, bidding his most hospitable hosts a warm good bye. Not a moment too soon, the auteur director's limousine departed, followed by his massive entourage. Morgoth and the Geekspawn watched from the balcony, a sinking feeling of paranoia gnawing at their minds.

"Boy... We're in trouble now!" On that note, they planned to resume filming their epic the very next day as Morgoth tried to erase the whole incident from his mind.

Chapter Four: ON THE SET

"Um... where are Angillis, Anc, Bagan, Godzilla, Raptor, Mecha G. and all the cameras?" Morgoth asked.

"I think they said something about 'bootlegs' and 'dream movies'..." Ubergeek admitted.

"Oh, oka... WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!" After three hours of hunting down bootleggers-to-be and subjecting them to the mandatory inquisitions, Mayor/Director Morgoth and company finally resumed filming - with several Toho 'advisory personnel' breathing down their collective necks. Needless to say, the tension could be cut with an adamantium claw.

On the set, a gory showdown between Space Godzilla and the spiritually pumped 'genuine article' was reaching its climactic moment where SG, full of eldritch atomic energy from his foe's eager fangs, would literally explode. Ubergeek was quick to point out the various SFX ruses that ensured the crystalline demon wasn't actually hurt: tack-on exploding 'crystals,' a strontium-treated mustard derivative for blood and finally, a CGI 'double' for the actual explosion. Kaneko-sama's people took all this in with nary a facial tic. Finally, filming ended for the day and a dead-tired Geekspawn, liberally marinated in sweat, stumbled into his trailer, mumbling darkly.

"Dear God, we're not gonna make a cent once those guys report how badly this film butchers the franchise."

"What now?" His Asian associate, clad in... something, emerged from the bathroom, looking nonplussed at this latest exclamation of despair.

"Shusuke friggin' Kaneko. Representing PETA, of all things. I swear, this is some sort of sting. It's only a matter of time before Toho lets the other shoe drop."

"Oh... PETA." Miyako rolled her eyes. "Don't get so furklempt. Remember when they called us every other day at Ogasawara?"

"Strangely enough, I don't. Guess Baragon smacked one too many brain cells out last time."

"Maybe... Anyhow, I feel like Chinese. Extra sweet and sour sauce?" Suddenly, the Geekspawn had acquired a 'second wind,' as it were.

Chapter Five: KAIJU FIGHT CLUB
Once again, Space Godzilla, Godzilla, Jet Jaguar, Angillis, Ancalagon, Bagan, Raptor, Mecha G. and all the cameras had mysteriously disappeared from the lot.

"CGI my crystal tail spines!" Space G fumed as he paced back and forth, waiting for the equipment to be set up.

"It's an outright disgrace the way us Kaiju are being misrepresented," Anc agreed. "Imagine the studio trying to take credit for creating ME! Do I look like a cartoon or something you make with a computer, or even worst, a ROBOT?!"

"Hey!" Mecha Godzilla and JJ piped up. "What's wrong with being a robot?" Anc was quick to apologize (and quite likely prevent a major brawl).

"Nothing, if you ARE one. I'M 100% REAL Monster and proud of it!" The other Kaiju felt likewise.

Cameras and lights were soon in place. G and Space G rehearsed their moves one last time and took their positions.

"And... ACTION!" Raptor yelled.

The next day:

Half awake at best, Ubergeek waddled over to the studio, munching on a box of micro-waved General Tso's Chicken. Opening the door and flicking on the lights, he espied an unmarked videotape at his feet. For a moment, Uber grimly wondered which dipstick had misplaced their stuff and would shortly come crying to him about it being ripped off. He inserted the cassette in a nearby wide screen TV-VCR combo and plunked down in the Director's Chair to watch but halfway through the transition to a sitting pose, the Geekspawn recalled Morgoth's penchant for 'security measures' with regard to his stuff (which, given Roostville's history, was understandable) and immediately regained his feet, avoiding certain eldritch pain.

As he trundled off to find another seat, the Chair glowed an ominous black. Finally settling down, Uber watched with a perplexed expression as various cast members, monster and human alike, formed a ring in the center of the darkened studio. A single spot shone down on them from above, illuminating the grisly features of Bagan as he spoke:

"First rule of Fight Club: Do not tell anyone about Fight Club..."

"What the heck...? Oh well. Might as well watch the rest of the movie. WTF??!!" Uber wondered as a fight began between Bagan, Ancalagon and Angillis. They were beating the snot out of each other.

"How does that idiot do it?" The Geekspawn bolted from his seat and retrieved the tape. "I can't believe the audacity of that bunch, taking advantage of MY generosity and MOONLIGHTING behind my back! No wonder they're half asleep on the set and can't remember their lines when we try to shoot any scene that involves a halfway intelligent performance!" With that, he charged off to get to the bottom of this travesty.

An adrenaline rush taking over his entire body, Uber bolted off to find Morgoth. He ran all the way to the Godzilla Tower, still carrying a half-eaten drum stick. Panting, he headed for Morgoth's penthouse, a lavishly ornamented chamber atop the grand hotel. He ignored the guard at the door, who was asleep. Narcoleptic, Uber thought, proceeding to the elevators for the topmost level.

The sound of poorly made jazz music blared from the speakers and at the 14th floor, the car stopped, allowing an apparently well-off couple to step inside. The lady quickly pulled out a fan from her thousand-dollar Gucci bag. Her eyes looked around, noticing the scrawny, pasty-white figure huddled in the corner, clad in pajamas with his hair all messed up and the lingering odor of fast food chicken clinging to him like a plague of flies. Ubergeek smiled and the goodly lady 'humphed.'

Annoyed by the rich couple's elitist attitude, Uber started mumbling to himself. As he soon saw, that was arguably not the best behavior to be in when facing people of their stature. The husband sent a punch right smack to the Geekspawn's chin, his tongue crushed by the onslaught of such an unexpected blow.

Reaching the 30th floor, the couple exited, earning a sigh of relief from Ubergeek as he resumed his former position, lying against the western wall of the golden-hued elevator. Suddenly, it stopped. The lights went out and the cacophonous music came to a screeching halt. A pre-recorded voice blared from the PA: Please be advised that the elevator is broken. Thank you for your cooperation and we are sorry for any inconvenience.

Gritting his rapidly sharpening teeth at some unholy 'music' emanating from unseen speakers, Ubergeek fumed for a good 15 minutes before taking matters into his own hands. Trying the doors, he found them jammed. Snarling, he leapt, gaining a hold on a ceiling panel and tearing it aside. Clambering up, he was soon in the shaft atop the elevator car.

From there, the Geekspawn attempted to climb the cables that normally conveyed it, only to find them coated in grease and thereby useless for climbing. Now positively seething, he took a more direct approach. Grasping said cables firmly in his left hand and drawing his right back for a swing, he neatly slashed them through with newly sprouted talons.

The elevator, with Ubergeek crouched atop it, dropped for some 230 feet before hitting the ground level with a mighty CRUNCH, slightly compressing the receptacle. Dropping back into the cab, Uber wedged his claws in the doors (now loosened by the fall) which gave way with a metallic squeal, exponentially boosting the throbbing between our hero's eyes.

Looking up as he stalked into the lobby, Uber noted the same couple who'd snubbed him in a heated debate with some poor doorman regarding his unforgivable conduct about the 'lady's' mink stole. Snorting, the Geekspawn strode over, slapped a large hand on the husband's shoulder and spun him about.

A disgusted sneer twisting his European features, the man drew back an open hand, intending to backhand this foul wretch into submission. Ubergeek's sneaker-clad foot was a blur as it snapped up, fusing the grandee's testes with his pelvic girdle. Bending over with a strangled whimper, the snob made no further move as a disgruntled Geekspawn hoisted him up by collar and seat of pants, marched him over to a partly-full trash receptacle and stuffed him in, head first.

Turning to regard the 'lady' who had started beating at his back and shrieking her outrage halfway through the demonstration, Uber calmly drew the chicken bone from his right pocket, opened her purse, deposited said bone and gently zipped it shut. This caused the woman to freeze, whiten and stand quivering for a good half minute before Ubergeek sent her scurrying off with a rumbling growl.

Making an irritated beeline for the stairs, the Spawn of Kenny, now in a mood to throttle puppies, trudged upward before finally coming to the great double doors of Morgoth's penthouse. Wall-mounted security cameras tracked his approach as he plucked a small sign off the handles that read: PRIVATE PARTY. KEEP THE HELL OUT.

Chapter Six: DIRECTOR MORGOTH
With utter disregard for the defenses built into this entry way, the Geekspawn transformed and commenced to kick the doors down, ignoring the automatic weapons fire this triggered. A sight of glorious debauchery greeted his eyes as the Director, three dozen buxom wenches and several hulking Cimmerians (all in varying states of undress) noted the ten-foot Godzilla derivative's entrance. Leaping up, Morgoth reached for his adamantium mace, ready to give his deranged accomplice some hard knocks for his audacity but was intercepted halfway through the move in a blur of black scales. He stared into blazing crimson-yellow eyes until Ubergeek was finally able to speak.

"Yo, Werner. Turns out the actors are going all 'Fight Club' behind our backs. God knows how Toho and PETA are gonna react once they find THAT out. I also just got dissed by a pair of richer-than-thou inbred Eurotrash #$#$wads in a malfunctioning elevator and if you haven't guessed, I. Am. Pissed. Someone starts paying. NOW." Taking this information in, Morgoth let his mace drop and signaled his barbarian comrades to stand down, which they did with disappointment.

"Tell ya what, Geek... Lemme think on this for a minute. Want a drink?"

"Good God, yes." A voluptuous redhead materialized at the were-Goji's side. Snatching the tankard of ale from the offered platter, Uber threw his toothy muzzle back and chugged it down. As if on cue, Miyako charged into the room, fully transformed and ready to defuse any potentially fatal scenarios. Noting that things seemed to be more or less copacetic, she reverted to human form, drawing appreciative stares as Morgoth's comrades took in her state of undress. A glare that could have stifled a cockatrice promptly shunted their attentions elsewhere. Now somewhat mellowed, Uber glanced her way with a perplexed expression.

"Hey... Can't a guy go out in public without people worrying?"

"Heh... Not if they come with your 'issues,' Geek. Now... I smell lager. When in Rome..." Striding up to the bar, the Geekspawn's counterpart took a seat between Conan and Kull, snatched up an unattended mug and knocked it back in one fluid motion, eliciting impressed grunts from both reavers. Cinching his robe, Morgoth stood, iron determination writ on his visage.

"Right, then. Sonja, the phone. I'm gonna call up the Council© and get a war plan together.I don't care if it takes an act of Set®, we're getting this production back on track."


Sauron was none too happy to be called away from dealing with a balky server in Roostville's dial-up service to mess with any complications caused by the Geekspawn's latest doings. His idea of turning the town into the "Hollywood of the Boondocks" had attracted every out-of-work Kaiju for miles around.

"This place is going to become another Branson if Morgoth doesn't keep a tighter rein on these wild ideas. Now Silver Dollar City with maybe just Majin and Gamera filming here I could see but Roostville is beginning to look like a Toho back lot these days..." With a final well-placed blow of his hammer to the offending machine, he headed toward City Hall.


Back at the studio, the PA system boomed to life, quickly followed by even louder cursing from annoyed crew members whose shots were ruined. Assorted Kaiju also lost their concentration and turned toward the nearest source of Morgoth's ominous diatribe, destroying several intricate sets in the process.

"BAGAN. ANCALAGON. ANGILLIS. SPACE GODZILLA. GODZILLA. JET JAGUAR. RAPTOR. MECHA GODZILLA. GAMINGBOY. ANZILA..." The list of names went on and on as over 100 Roosters and Kaiju were ordered to assemble at City Hall. They trudged toward the meeting spot singly and in groups, dreading what might await them. As the last of the names were called out, Jet's memory bank kicked in and he came to a dead stop, causing Lord Jimifulss to run smack into him.

"What's the idea?" Jimi fumed, rubbing his aching nose. "How about signaling next time, huh?" JJ turned to him with his trademark grin.

"I just figured out what this might be all about."

"That we're going to get banished from Roostville and lose our pensions, if not our Earthly lives?"

"No, worst than that. Every name called is somehow related to the Top-Secret-Don't-Tell-NO-ONE You-Know-What."

"eep..." Lord Jimi squeaked to himself and turned a ghastly shade of pale grey.

"Buck up, as the humans say!" JJ encouraged him with a pat to his shoulder that dropped Jimi to his knees. "Let's get the others together so we can plan how to confront this little setback!" Tucking Lord J. under his arm, Jet Jaguar flew off to confer with the other masterminds behind their little enterprise.

Chapter Seven: STAR WARS
Within the shadows, a being stirred in Studio 87, the long forgotten, haunted building where stunt man Larry died some fifty-odd years ago. A bony, skeletal hand reached around the door, pulling it open. What horror was this? What madness? Only the terrifying face of George Lucas could be seen emanating in the blackness of the filthy lair.

"Soon, I shall take over this pathetic movie and ruin it with my terrible ideas," Lucas declared, clutching his fist in anticipation. "Come, Hayden."

"But I don't want to! You can't make me!" a hellishly annoying, puberty ridden voice called out.

"Ah, but we must take over this ROBBERY IN ROOSTVILLE movie, just because we can," Lucas pointed out.

"You can't make me! It's all Obi-Wan's fault!"

"Hayden?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

Meanwhile...

Sheriff Varan was patrolling the studio lots when he glimpsed a greenish blur in the corner of his eye. A tiny green creature launched forward, attempting to eviscerate him with some kind of movie prop.

"Master Yoda?" the Sheriff asked suspiciously.

"A while it has been," Yoda spoke with deliberate effort.

"Then Lucas must be here as well," Varan quickly concluded. "And I know what he must want."

"Live you won't to find out!" Yoda promised.


Lucas walked about the quiet set, his cheap shoes scraping against the hardwood floor. At his back, the young actor whined and proceeded to spurt out what seemed like lines from a movie. A long monotonous drone echoed across the set. Lucas stopped, grating his teeth and then stared Hayden right in the eye.

A strange shadow seemed to come over him for he now resembled an enormous potato, with noticeably large veins tracing several routes on his red skin. His eyes bulged out from their sockets, training over the boy. When he clenched his fists, the sound of crunching bone silenced the bad actor's cacophonous ramblings. George sat still, appearing as if he could no longer contain his boiling rage. The mad director let loose the fury of a gorilla slamming into Hayden's ears.

'WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SOUND WOODEN! THIS IS NOT SHAKESPEARE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

"I know, but I just can't seem to be so stiff, George! This set feels so home-like."

"I don't care! We are trying to make a sci-fi movie here! You are supposed to act as if a plank of wood had more talent than you!" And with that, the wrath of the director ceased and he returned to his normal guise. To young Hayden, it seemed as if George Lucas, famed director of the infamous STAR ARSE films, had been wearing a mask all along; a mask to conceal his plans to realize his dream of making the ultimate, grandiose space melodrama.

Hayden muttered to himself and retreated to a dark corner of the sprawling set with a final whimper. Meanwhile, his companion did not fare well as he could not find what he was looking for.

"There is not even a single computer! How can I unleash the ILM Virus if I don't have a computer?! Hayden! Come here!" The lad sprang from his corner like a frightened hare. Bolting like said animal, he reached the director just in time, fearing that another gorilla-ish burst would alert the entire town to their presence and asked his boss what he was looking for. Lucas, the shape-shifting demon that he is, reverted back into his 'kindly old man who just wants to entertain people' guise and asked his protégé if he had brought along his lap top. Fortunately, the abnormally stupid blond kid had, albeit for emergency purposes only.

"You little dipstick! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!" With that, Lucas pulled the computer from Hayden's grasp, stared at it with his keen eyes and proceeded to kiss it as if it were the salvation of the human race. "Ah, if only you were a human, my dear. I would marry you." Lucas kissed it again, then thankfully stopped with his bizarre and freaky 'esoteric rituals.' He bade Hayden look for a power outlet. He finally found one, back in the corner where he had first licked his wounds after being badly beaten by the mad director.

In a brilliant flash of light, the sound stage was bathed in an eerie glow. When it stopped, Hayden unshielded his eyes and stared at his mentor, a mad grimace erupting in his warty old skin. His jaw dropped, for with Lucas were the Agents of Death themselves: his insane crew of drones from ILM. Maniacal laughter filled the room, along with the mighty war cries of the Effectswraiths©.

Back at City Hall:
Pretty much the entire population of Roostville (as well as the itinerant Kaiju and movie folks Ubergeek's cattle call had attracted) was assembled downtown. Morgoth had ceremoniously appeared with his retinue and was still surveying the anxious crowd before bringing the wrath of his displeasure down upon them.

He was rather surprised to see a small group of Kaiju, humans and other denizens of the area apparently ignoring the severity of their situation and quietly (but enthusiastically) collecting money from those around them. Jet Jaguar was also rewarding the contributors with a DVD. Since the robot was on Morgoth's LIST (and very near the top of it, at that) whatever the robot was currently doing would be mute very shortly.

"Those of you who have been summoned here today are in deep doo-doo," the Mayor/Mage began in a voice that didn't need amplification to be heard anywhere in the burg. "Rest assured, a full investigation will get underway as soon as I can locate Sheriff Varan."

Chapter Eight: THE ILM VIRUS
Back in the crowd, Lord Jimifulss ducked behind his robotic co-conspirator. It was a good thing he did because just as Morgoth was about to describe what awaited those who betrayed his trust, nearly all the windows in City Hall blew out as office computer monitors unleashed every Effectswraith known to man (along with some that weren't). The Ghostly Trio assembled behind the Mayor and began clowning for the crowd's amusement as a TIE Fighter zoomed overhead. Humans panicked and stampeded, dodging between the various Kaiju who wondered what all the excitement was about.

"The servers..." Sauron gasped as he made a mad dash through the confusion, hoping they had shut down before the strange emanations fried them.

"Now we're really dead meat!" Lord Jimi hissed as he tried to forcibly return all the money he had collected and grab up the DVDs JJ had distributed. The valiant robot (who was apparently unaware of the real cause of the panic) grabbed him once again and went airborne in the direction of the tumble-down shed that housed the server farm and satellite pick-up for the town's TV cable and internet service.

"We've got until 9:30 tonight to get everything back in order," JJ advised. "Besides, have I ever let you down?" Jimi glanced earthward and fainted.

Choosing this moment to make his entrance, Kaneko-san arrived with retinue in tow. Ubergeek surveyed the latest developments, walked over to a nearby pillar and repeatedly bashed his skull against it. The director's escort, reacting quickly and efficiently, encircled their charge and whipped out several very large submachine weapons apiece, intent on shooting it out if necessary. Of course, this failed to work according to plan as eight suit/shades-clad clones of Hugo Weaving, sporting arrogant sneers, materialized in front of the bodyguards, nimbly leaping and ducking around the barrage of hollow point death to strike with ruthless force.

The sound of breaking bones and death shrieks finally drew Uber out of his funk. The Agents scattered as another black-clad form leapt in, positioned herself and launched into a literal break dance of whirling feet and tail that sent the CGI terrors flying in various and sundry directions. One landed at the Geekspawn's feet and was absentmindedly put down with a stomp to the throat as he sought to snatch Kaneko up and hustle him out of harm's way. Flashing her comrade an encouraging grin, Miyako shifted fully, drew a bead on the TIE as it swept back for another pass and paused at a tap on the shoulder.

"This might come in handy," Uber pressed a Ghost Trap (TM, GHOSTBUSTERS) into her claws and gestured toward the Trio. Shaking her head, the she-Goji® darted for the podium.

"Where does he get this stuff?" she wondered but one spectral suction job later, Director/Mayor Morgoth was demanding a SITREP (situation report), his Cimmerian buddies engaged in a rousing brawl with the JP III Spinosaurus. The TIE had also received reinforcements: a full dozen CGI Star Destroyers.

"Uh, sir, we just got here but anyway. Seems we've got a bunch of computer rendered foes on our hands. Jimi and that corn ball robot are going to tinker with the satellite pick-up and Uber's taking care of Kaneko. Your basic hell-in-a-hand basket sitch."

"I can SEE that," rumbled the Dark Lord. "Yo, Saruman!"

"Kinda busy!" yelled Saruman the White, engaged as he was with a pack of PITCH BLACK aliens, as well as several REIGN OF FIRE© dragons and Dobby the House Elf.

"Quit playing with those freaks and get on the horn with the JSDF. We need backup."

"What, AGAIN?" Rolling his eyes, Saruman struck down his remaining foes with an especially grisly incantation, whipped out the Orb of Nyaralothep and rang up several air force bases on his cell phone.

As one, each CO at said bases mused: "Aw, heck! It's those wack jobs at Roostville again. Probably another damn Gyaos infestation."

"Nope. This time it's STAR WARS© shite, dragons and maybe those ID-4 craft. Think you could help us out?"

"We'll give it a shot. Next time, why don't cha give us a break and just announce an ICBM strike?" With that, the orders were given and three full wings of F-15Js and F-2s rocketed off toward the skies of Roostville.


Meanwhile, the Spawn of Kenny, having finished an especially squishy brawl with a Kylothian Root-Beast©, tossed a towel to an ichor-splattered Shusuke.

"C'mon. We're almost past the city limits. When things get particularly crazy, it's usually confined around town."

"Funny theory, oh human pimple," sneered an arrogant voice.

"Waitaminit... I KNOW that sneer." Uber sniffed the air and winced at the cocktail of angst and hormones that befouled his nostrils. "Christensen?"

"You know it." Emerging from the shadows, 'Anakin Skywalker' ignited his crimson LIGHT SABER™ with the familiar snap-hiss. "Hand over Golden Boy there and maybe I'll leave your feet intact." Preparing a supremely vile retort involving Annie's colon and a sea lamprey, Ubergeek was fortunately interrupted by a blur of slashing claws and emerald light. Shoving Kaneko out of the way, he goggled at the bizarre spectacle of Sheriff Varan trading blows with Yoda.

"How messed up can one day get?"

"More than you could ever imagine, Spawn of Kenny," gloated a chuckling voice. Materializing like the fell thing that he was, George Lucas flashed a toothy grin. "Sic 'em, boys." With that, a legion of Jedi erupted from roof tops, windows, doorways, sewer pipes, etc. Staring into a forest of matter-slicing light, Uber snarled, transformed fully and unleashed atomic death, roasting the first three waves before being tackled from the side by a Sando Aqua Monster©.

Street-perforating, skyscraper-smashing chaos ensued.

Overhead, TIEs, X-wings and 'stingray' fighters mixed it up with JSDF aircraft while an armada of flying Daikaiju swooped down on the Destroyers©, distracting the massive craft from their bombardment of the town.

Chapter Nine: DIES IRAE: THE DAY OF WRATH
Amidst the turmoil, Lucas and Morgoth stood alone, facing each other in Studio 87. Lucas gazed at Morgoth, circling him like a hungry tiger as thunder clapped and a hole in the roof let in gallons of rain water.

"So you see, effects will always triumph because plot is ignored."

"Ripping off Mel Brooks material... Truly, you have become corrupt in your old age, Lucas-san. It shall end today." With that, the directors sprang apart, struck poses and leapt into the air, coming together with a thunderclap.

The Dark Lord clenched his teeth, a savage expression in his face. His fangs shone like bones in the twilight of a stray lightning bolt. He too circled, with Grond, Hammer of the Underworld, clasped firmly between his iron fists. A feral growl escaped his maw; a challenge that made Lucas quake inside as if having a terrible nightmare. For two minutes they looked at each other. Lucas drew his double-edged LIGHT SABER™ and thunder rolled in the sky. In an instant, the two powers clashed.

Far away, in the dim memories of Morgoth's college days, George Lucas appeared. Classmates and best friends they were. Their friendship was seemingly unbreakable as the two directors shared many film ideas, among them STAR ARSE.

Clint remembered first hearing about the project. Lucas was intent on building a time machine to travel into the future wherein his magnum opus would be fulfilled. But he grew proud and declared himself to be mighty, putting himself above other, better directors. Disgusted, Morgoth severed all ties with him.

At least that's what the narrator was spouting in the distance...

The two fought like wild animals, hitting each other with their weapons. Lucas leapt into the air, spinning his LIGHT SABER™. In the blink of an eye, he brought it down and hit the Dark Lord in the thigh. Luckily for Morgoth, the LIGHT SABER™ cauterizes wounds immediately and thus no blood was spilled. Angry, Morgoth slammed his mighty war hammer upon the ground, barely scratching Lucas. He was hit in the shoulder, rendering his right arm numb.

Below, a huge crater was to be seen. Lucas got up again and for a moment stood still. Clint stopped also, awaiting the villain's next move. Suddenly, Lucas pulled out a great blade and swung it at the Mayor's head. It hit, crushing part of his skull and cutting away a portion of his scalp. Blood oozed from the wound like running water. Lucas laughed and placed his foot on the breast of his prostrate opponent. A great rage swelled within Morgoth and suddenly, from out of nowhere came a huge explosion, hitting Lucas squarely upon the chest. It knocked him high into the air, to come crashing down with a loud thud.

Morgoth was now surging with energy, his eyes replaced by shallow, soulless orbs and it seemed as if he grew to a great height. Black armor covered parts of his body and a great shield was upon his left hand. His face twisted into an animalistic fury and there it remained. An Iron Crown, wrought from dark iron and in the shape of a grotesque helm with many horns sat upon his head. Morgoth, Dark Lord of Middle-Earth and source of all evil was ready.

All other battles had ceased and all eyes were on Morgoth. The Dark Lord walked slowly to Lucas. Dead, it seemed. His face spread into a horrible grimace and he kicked the seemingly dead director, knocking him into the wall and breaking every last bone in his body. A great clawed hand gripped the lifeless body's head. Morgoth pulled off his crown and started to beat Lucas with it. Organs were either crushed or erupted from the inside as the force of the blows pressed them out. Disgusting rents dotted his body. When the Dark Lord was content, he flung the remains to a far corner.

Again, he came near and throttled it. A sickening crunch echoed across the studio as Morgoth beat Lucas into a bloody pulp. His skull was split in two, spilling the director's brains. Content, he finally ground the despoiled cadaver under his great foot. Grabbing Grond and with a mighty effort, he brought it crashing down. One might say that Lucas was all over the place. Literally. The Dark Lord then turned his attention to his remaining opponents.

Chapter Ten: TECHNICAL SAVVY
When Jet Jaguar landed with his passenger at the Roostville Cable & Telephone Company, Saruman, Raptor, Goji Son, Gorgozilla, Melkor, Bato-Goji and Earth Baragon were already there, along with E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial, who had a Speak-n-Spell jacked into the satellite array. The usually low-key behind-the-scenes Mods of the community would now put their savvy to the ultimate test. Not thinking it was a good idea for the alien to be privy to what was about to take place, EB had raided Sauron's fridge and grabbed a six-pack to keep the little guy busy.

Three of the biggest dishes had been lowered to focus their receivers on a spot between them and hooked up to the most powerful servers which were now loaded with every graphics program on hand. The KAIJUPHILE.COM database would soon be cycled to counteract whatever ILM and the deranged Lucas could throw at them.

"Let's try Fan Fiction and the Fan Art Galleries first," Goji Son suggested. "Our stuff is way better than anything Hollyweird ever came up with!" As he pulled up the pages, strange, original creatures began to take form between the three dishes. MechaGodzilla X, the ultimate AI creation, looked about and began processing all input before heading for the comm shack.

"Oh oh..." E.T. pointed drunkenly at the giant robot before passing out.

"May I be of assistance?" Kiryu offered in his booming voice.

"YOU BET!" Melkor abandoned his terminal and dashed for the door. "We'll take care of the big stuff, like Mother Ships and Darth Vader's cronies!"

"Nuts. Everyone just wants to pilot a big mech," Raptor huffed. Turning back to the base station (now including the military air command's frequency), she quickly aborted Kobayashi's animated flight toward the nearest ID-4 craft. "Bring that crate back here and take care of those SPACEBALLS and FLINTSTONES throwbacks."

"BANZAIIIII!!!" boomed the crazed pilot as the noisy bush plane made a loop-de-loop before descending at a steep angle back toward Roostville.

"You country dudes are absolutely INSANE!" Lord Jimifulss exclaimed, accepting a a brew from E.T., only to see a Flash animation attacking the best of the big bucks stuff.

"I'll drink to that!" Raptor agreed, also partaking of the refreshments. "What I want to know is how come EVERY CGI manifestation has also appeared. Lucas must be losing his touch."

"He lost it a long time ago," EB figured. "He drove many from the theaters to the Internet, where they formed communities such as Roostville. STAR WARS fans have the Force.Net. There are probably others, from fans of great TV shows that are no longer broadcast to those who still create completely original stories and characters."

"Yeah," Raptor agreed. "Out here, no one can tell us what we're SUPPOSED to like or have to put up with Jar Jar Binks just 'cause Mister Director includes it in 'the franchise'."

Sauron finally showed up and nearly blew a gasket when he saw the shambles they had made of the place. He was quickly brought him up to speed on the plan to counter Lucas' tyrannical attempt to destroy the very heart of live action special effects entertainment.

Using his own vast knowledge of all things computerized, Sauron deduced that the ILM Virus was itself corrupt, thus not being selective of which studio's Effectswraiths© were able to invade the real world. When the Fan Fic progeny had all materialized, the next step was getting the resident Kaiju up to speed.

"It seems only Ancalagon and Malystryx are able to deal with what Lucas has wrought in our little world here," Saruman figured. "The other/REAL Kaiju have no concept of such things as CGI and the various un-matter creatures. Now if we could somehow give these things FORM or something that they can detect, I'm sure generations of movie fans would greatly appreciate it." No one could think of how to go about this but two familiar roars sounded very close by, accompanied by a violent shaking of the immediate area.>/p>

Godzilla had gotten in a tussle with his American counterpart, GINO, who had burrowed beneath the building to escape Goji's wrath. Earth Baragon ran outside to hopefully preserve what remained of Roostville's electronic entertainment efforts from completely collapsing due to the King's stomping along GINO's trail.

"Hold up a minute, big guy!" EB called, quickly attaining his Kaiju guise. "We need to know something, and quick!" The Monster King greeted his flop-earred pal between oral blasts at his rapidly retreating nemesis. "Do you mind telling me how you can interact with that... that IMITATION when the other Kaiju can't even see them?"

"Simple," Goji growled, picking at a piece of GINO spine stuck in his teeth. "That so-called CREATURE is somehow linked to me because two silly Hu-mans took a computer and made funny pictures they CALLED 'Godzilla'". The King of All Monsters spat in disgust. "Why couldn't they have named it something else?" EB wondered the same thing but had to hurry back to the others.

"Thanks, pal! We'll see what we can do about that!" Earth Baragon took off as fast as his four legs would carry him.

With Shusuke Kaneko slung over his bony shoulders, Ubergeek burst inside, sweat pouring down his face and steam obscuring his glasses. Combined with the bizarre 'just-chomped-a-Guatemalan-Insanity-Pepper©' look twisting his lips, it was a less than pleasant visage.

Raptor inquired, "Eh... you OK, Uber?" Finally, the Geekspawn worked free the bit of Sando Aqua Monster© that had been annoying his teeth for the past half hour.

"Oh yeah, I'm good."

"Whoa," observed Sauron. "Would that be...?"

"Hai, fuzzy gaijin," replied the director. "Ah... Geek-san... You can put me down now..."


Downtown, Melkor and MG-X, having bumped into Miyako en route, were quickly updated on the situation in that quarter.

"So Morgoth gooshed that lump of fetid Ewok-lovin' plaid-clad Jar-Jar-fellatin'-"

"Mel!"

"Sorry. It's just... aw nuts! I MISSED IT!

"Uh... situation at hand?"

"Quite right," boomed Kiryu.

"Those quadruped Mechs seem like a good place to start." With that, the trio oriented on a pack of AT-AT Walkers© blasting their way through Roostville's industrial district. One abominable blaze of atomic/electric/projectile firepower later, 24 twisted bubbling heaps decorated the landscape, drawing the attention of a full TIE bomber squadron which was promptly picked off by a rapid fire hail of Full Metal Missiles from MG-X's shoulder mounted launchers.

This seemed to attract the attention of one of the ID-4 City-Busters© as it began to orient above City Hall®. An honor guard of six Star Destroyers provided cover fire. Swarms of fighter craft danced back and forth but so far, the Buster's exposed primary beam port seemed free from harassment.

As one, the trio let an "Aw, #@$#" roll off their lips.

"N3V3R PHE4R! J3T J4GU$R H4TH ARR1V3D!"

As one again: "What??"

"*COUGH, HACK* SORRY ABOUT THAT. GRIT IN THE VENTS AGAIN." Jet Jaguar landed before them with Kobayashi's damaged plane clutched in his left hand.

"Uh... Who's he?"

"PLUCKY LITTLE GUY, I'LL TELL YA WHAT. SLAGGED A DESTROYER'S BRIDGE WITH A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL. I BARELY CAUGHT HIM TRYING A KAMIKAZE ON SOME BUGS." From the cockpit, Kobayashi waved, grinning like the maniac he was.

"Most impressive," observed Kiryu. "Now then. Would you be up for a bit of assistance?" queried the bio-syntech titan, gesturing toward the distant Mothership as an eerie emerald glow bathed the scene.

"OH, RIGHT! FORGOT YOU CAN'T FLY THAT FAR! NO PROBLEMO, BUDDY!" responded the good-natured JJ. Clambering astride MG-X's shoulder with a pair of Stinger© portable SAM launchers, Melkor waved to Miyako with MG following suit before JJ scooped him up by the shoulders. Taking off, the bizarre 'strike force' made a beeline for the looming City-Buster.

"Good luck, guys... You'll need it." Turning to Kobayashi, Miyako was about to say, "Well, it's just you and- Eh?" The bush pilot, having somehow acquired an Experimental Fighter Prototype in the past five seconds, rocketed off down the street, his delta-winged F-16 upgrade raising an unholy shriek as it lifted into the sky.

Slapping a taloned hand to her forehead, Miyako turned away, scanning the battlefield for a good fight to enjoin. Finding nothing in the immediate vicinity, she shifted fully and took off, massive legs propelling her with earth-shaking bounds toward some distant pyrotechnics. About a half minute into the run, an Idea sprang upon her.

"Waitasec... That goofy GODZILLA: THE REVISED SERIES Uber goes on about... If half his BS is true, there should be some serious nasties in there and since they're Not Entirely Real© to begin with, they should be able to 'interact' with the Effectswraiths©! Now to find a working computer..."

Chapter 11: GODZILLA:THE REVISED SERIES
Utilizing the heat-sensing pits that adorned her saurian muzzle, the she-Goji quickly detected a nearby thermal output consistent with a Dell PC® and some decidedly embarrassing activity taking place. Baring fangs in revulsion, Miyako padded up to a massive office building, scaled it with the adhesive pads on fingers and toes and peered into a 40th floor window. The horrendous sight of Hayden Christensen Skywalker downloading Jenny McCarthy gifs with a looong slaver of drool oozing down his chin, assaulted her eyes. Regaining human form and vaulting inside, the were-Goji sauntered up to Annie, tossed him aside and quickly accessed a certain RODAN'S ROOST exclusive.

Rather disgruntled at this interruption, Hayden ignited his 'saber, prepared to strike and soiled his tunic for the 18th time that day as a host of horrors poured from the console, streamed out the window and constituted themselves in all their terrible glory: Anguirus. Rodan. The Mandas and their 120-foot spawn writhing at their clawed feet. Neo-Gorosaurus, a steroidal T.rex. Gamera. King Kong. Grand Ghidorah, attended by several mutated brethren. And just for the heck of it, one hyper-thyroid Stegosaurus. Shuddering with an influx of fearful power, Miyako turned from the keyboard and greeted the assembled monsters with a primal roar.

"All right, guys. Marching orders. If it's CGI, it dies. You with me?" A coronary-inducing cavalcade of shrieks and bellows indicated 'Affirmative.' Transforming into a full-blown Neo-Gojiran (70 meters and 40,000 tons of radioactive death), Miyako erupted from the building and paused to scrape the unrecognizable remnants of Anakin from a great foot before streaking off for the main brawl with her fellow monsters spreading out in a V-formation.


The advancing Kaiju were heard before they were seen by the denizens of the RC&T complex. Swinging a roof-mounted camera that was used for the cable system's weather reporting in the direction of the thundering horde, Ubergeek immediately recognized GODZILLA: THE REVISED SERIES unfolding live and in living color.

"I'm off to save the world!" he shouted and bolted out the door.

"Good," Raptor figured, plugging a Go-Video into the monitor. "And WE'LL get some original programming for this hick operation!"

"While you're at it, why don't you just broadcast it live?" Kaneko-san suggested. E.T. had revived and the two of them had been happily discussing the pros and cons of organic gardening until the approaching Kaiju made intelligent conversation impractical. Light bulbs flashed on as Saruman, Raptor, Goji Son, Gorgozilla, Bato-Goji and Earth Baragon once again rearranged their surroundings. Every dish was quickly adjusted to transmit rather than receive as Raptor prepared a crawler to accompany the feed.

"We'll have 'em coming back for more but just in case Turner or Fox has a problem with us pre-empting THEIR feeds, all queries can go to a blind box at the G PROJECT." With every power source (and their car batteries for good measure) now supplying the transmitters, couch potatoes around the country saw KAIJU: THE SERIES appear on all channels.

"I LIKE IT!" Kaneko-san was ecstatic with the 'show'. "Now why doesn't Toho do an animated series?" he wondered.


Recognizing his consort at the head of the pack, Ubergeek shifted and hauled arse to head them off, barely drawing even with the transformed Miyako. Rubber-necking to achieve eye-contact, he bellowed, drawing her attention.

"Oh, hey, Uber! Was wondering where you'd got to."

"Say... Just where is this bunch headed??"

"Off to kick butt, take names. You know the drill. You're with us, right?"

"You know it." With that, the Geekspawn sucked additional thermal energy from his surroundings, snuffing flames in his wake as he expanded to match his counterpart's mass. And none too soon was this accomplished as the Great Blob o' Malevolent Matter© from EVOLUTION loomed ahead. Miyako snarled a quick set of orders.

Chapter 12: AERIAL WARFARE

"All right, this is it. Fliers, see what you can do with those STAR WARS and ID-4 ships. Mandas, you've got the lightweight critters. As for the rest of you, tackle what you can and call for help when you need it. Let's rock." And so, the fray erupted anew. Splitting up to flank the GBMM, the were-Gojis bracketed it with a barrage of nuclear heat, trapping the thing in a sea of flames before commencing an extended roasting, pausing occasionally to swat an attacking Y-wing or TIE.

Swooping in on a damaged Star Destroyer, Rodan noted that the F-2s assailing it had managed to take down the aft deflector shields. Angling in, the mutated pterosaur plowed through the warship's bridge at Mach 3, reducing said structure to powder and sending the massive craft down in an extended 'glide' toward nearby Kong Town.

A touch more ambitious in their assault, the Ghidorah pack formed up and raked the City-Buster with gravitic hell, actually taxing the craft's powerful deflectors. Grand Ghidorah, combining his rays into a single horrendous vortex, punctured a great hole in the shield. His 'children' quickly concentrated their energy on the spot, widening the hole enough for all seven dragons to zoom through. Free to wreak destruction on a democratic basis, the demons spread out with gravitic blasts, steel projectiles, corrosive venom and freezing mists ravaging the City-Buster's outer hull.

Below, JJ and MG-X (with Melkor still riding shotgun) neared their objective: the Primary Weapon Port, seconds away from firing.

Having expended his Stingers on several attacking A-wings, Melkor could only hang on as Kiryu drew a bead, scanned his remaining inventory and cursed as he reported, "Out of missiles. I'll have to try a Zero Cannon shot."

"ALL RIGHTY, THEN. I'LL JUST HOLD YA STEADY FOR A SEC... UH-OH." Three full squadrons of Stingrays, TIE Interceptors and N-1 star fighters rolled in, locked on and ready to pummel the hovering Mechs out of the sky. A hail of air-to-air missiles, fired from somewhere below, ripped into the formation, blasting ten fighters apart and provoking eight mid-air collisions as the remaining craft tried to evade. Goggling at the pyrotechnics, Melkor caught a familiar cry on the wind.

"No freakin' way..."

"BANZAI!!!" Indeed, it was Koji Kobayashi, his upgraded F-16 rocketing straight up through the formation, followed by a brace of JSDF Eagles. A split second later, the new arrivals had split apart, each fighter locked on a CGI aggressor's tail. As MG-X finished powering up, a single Stingray streaked across his path for the safety of the Mothership with Kobayashi in pursuit.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU DERANGED LITTLE MAN!" Out of missiles, Kobayashi ignored Jet's thunderous cry as he closed within a mile and raked the alien craft with 20 mm depleted uranium slugs. Bits and pieces flying off, it slammed into the Primary Weapon's energy field with the resultant explosion obscuring Kobayashi's fighter. Kiryu, unable to hold back any longer, unleashed the Zero Cannon. Striking home, the great freon blast lanced into the City Buster's steel innards, crippling its Primary Weapon and igniting a disastrous backfire.

Fighters and Daikaiju alike scattered as a massive fire ball erupted from the saucer's upper surface. Further explosions blossomed along its trenches as the City Buster spun slowly out of the sky, coming to rest in the East River to sink with a great sucking noise. Scattered cheers echoed throughout the city.

Touching down a mile away, two robots and a would-be Dark Lord considered the heroism their deceased comrade had displayed and did a double-take as a certain beefed-up F-16 executed a Mach 1.6 barrel roll inches from Jet Jaguar's head. As one, the trio slapped their foreheads.

"Figures..."


Elsewhere, the ere-Gojis finished roasting the Evo-blob, gawked at the fallen City Buster and scanned the battlefield for further challenges. So far, the mop-up seemed to be going well. Slithering through the streets, the Mandas were gobbling down JP dinosaurs, Bugs, Graboids and dragons at a shocking rate.

Emerging from a parking garage, Morgoth, Conan and Saruman led several Balrogs, the Nazgul and a battered platoon of Ents.

In the skies, Rodan, Gamera and the Ghidorahs were dog-piling Star Destroyers, opening shield gaps for the JSDF fighters to exploit and a mere mile off, Anguirus and Neo-Gorosaurus were viciously double-teaming the REIGN OF FIRE Alpha Dragon and several miscellaneous assault Mechs.

"Whaddaya know," mused Uber. "At this rate, we should have the place cleaned up before nightfall."

Chapter 13: GOJI SON
Meanwhile, a new dark force had arrived: James Cameron, being followed by thousands of TERMINATOR robots!
In a secluded part of the studio, Goji Son leaned against the water dispenser, letting out a sigh of boredom, his eyes wandering about its vastness.

"I am not going to be in this movie, am I?"

"NO!" a voice over the PA system boomed. Goji shrugged, crumpling the cup in his hand.

"Can I at least direct something? Work a camera or write something? I mean, come on! You need writers. How can Middle Earth coincide with the ####ing real world? It's ridiculous! OK, OK! Whatever. It's supposed to be weird and all." He threw his hands up. "Alright. Just call me for the next movie, ok? Maybe I can direct or something. I am not a freaking actor! And Kaneko ain't gonna want to do a sequel." With his final words, the struggling director/actor/screen writer left the studio as quickly as he had slipped in. Having accidentally picked up the exchange over the comm system and noting the mechanized Skynet® kill-bots at the same moment, Sauron devised a diabolic plan in mere seconds.

"YO, MINYA-SAN!"

"#@$@!" screamed the lower-echelon flunky as the thunderous cry caused him to reflexively jump. He spun about wildly, searching for the speaker.

"HEY, IT'S SAURON. ABOUT THAT ROLE YOU WANTED. WE'VE GOT A CRAP LOAD O' TERMIES INBOUND AND NOBODY FREE TO STOP 'EM. YOU WANT THE JOB?"

"What the heck. I have nothing better to do," replied Goji Son.

"COOL. NOW GET MOVING!" Goji Son pressed a button on his Bat Utility Belt. A white light enveloped him and when it faded, Minya, Lord of Kennies®, stood in his place.

"Crap!" exclaimed the dough-dino. "Wrong button." Another was pushed and Minya vanished in a multi-colored blaze. Dr. Evil®©, with Mini-Me at his side, appeared. "Now we're with it. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Snapping his fingers, Evil brought his pinkie to his mouth in an infamous gesture as a legion of Fembots and levitating sharks with lasers attached to their heads® appeared about him. "Time to get Jiggy Wit' It©."

"It's 'MU-A-HAHAHAHA!!!', you dipstick!" a booming voice from overhead thundered across the landscape as even the TERMINATOR robots stopped their advance.

"WHO SAID THAT?!" Dr. Evil screeched, trying to put on a bold front for his troops.

"The TRUE evil one. ME!" Roostville's resident Evil Genius alighted, tossing a fried Gyaos from his previous adventure at Mini-Me.

Before he could explain the finer points of proper evil laughter, Catbert also showed up, grinning evilly and vaguely smelling of brimstone (or maybe swamp gas).

"Would you like to share this little bounty with us?" the feline nodded toward the now-charging TERMINATOR types. Dr. Evil groaned, wondering which button he should press on his Bat Belt. Ubergeek looked up from an enthusiastic round of 'Squish-the-8-LEGGED FREAKS.' Noting the arrival of EGM and the Evil HR Director, he groaned.

"Not those psychos again."

"What now?" Miyako inquired, furiously engaged with the Giant Phantom Thingy from that FINAL FANTASY flick.

"Seriously... Those crackers scare me more than Angillis, and that's saying something."

"Geek... Did I just hear you call someone a 'cracker'?" Neglecting her luminous foe, the she-Goji curled up and began rolling back and forth, flattening half a city block in her throes of hilarity. Relieved by the distraction from whatever EGM and his comrades might've planned, Uber took her place in blasting the Phantom.

James Cameron, noting the forces arrayed against him, summoned some back-up with teeth. A full platoon of Soldier Xenomorphs headed by an advance force of Face Huggers® swarmed the Fembot/Shark w/laser forces.

"Now this is just rigoddamdiculous. SHOOT 'EM!" cried Dr. Evil. The Fembots/Sharks were quick to oblige. High caliber rounds and crimson cutting beams splintered ebony armor and lopped off limbs in a hideous cacophony of damage. Neglecting these piffling casualties, the Aliens pressed on, quickly coming to grips with their foes. Things got especially ugly as the Fembots simply peeled their Huggers® off and the Soldiers easily tore into their relatively fragile frames. With no defense, several Sharks were quickly Hugged and put out of action while more chomped into a Xeno and suffered Gratuitous Facial Remodeling©.

From a hundred yards back, the Termies fired into the melee with vicious abandon, blasting Fembots and Sharks apart and splattering acidic blood about each time they accidentally hit a Xeno. In the midst of this hell on Earth, EGM cackled maniacally, hosing down attackers and friendlies alike with gravitic beams.

Meanwhile, Catbert was having Face Hugger problems while Mini-Me struggled to yank his crab-like assailant off. Goji Son, quickly determining there wasn't much he could do in this form, reverted to Minyahood. Things turned around rather quickly when a wave of pseudo-narcotic haze emanated from the Pillsbury Kaiju, taking the edge off Cameron's Xenomorphs and scrambling the Termies' targeting systems. Still, several managed to spray the slate-gray lump with semi-auto fire, prompting a transformed Goji Son to shriek in terror and rake the TERMINATOR ranks with an atomic beam, burning four dozen to ash.

Inwardly cursing at the mangling his forces were taking, Cameron spun about and prepared to take his leave but recalled his most terrible weapon: Leo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, being non-CGI in nature, Leo was all-too-detectable by the 'normal' Roostville critters and was snapped up by a peckish Gorosaurus within seconds of entering the city limits.

With that, Cameron wisely chose to beat feet while he still could and got roughly 5.3 steps before Grand Ghidorah (the 'real' one) touched down atop him. As one dire head licked the mess off his right foot, the other two addressed the Evil Genius.

"Mortal wretch, what truck dost thou have to usurp the might of the Devourer?"

Unable to properly process this antiquated snarling, EGM asked, "Uh...?"

"Enough. Thou wilt pay the price post haste!" With that, El Ghidorah Grande reversed the Energy Siphoning Process® EGM had employed (and then some), reducing the would-be megalomaniac to a shuddering husk vaguely reminiscent of Strom Thrumond. That completed, the demon took off to join Morgoth's band in their merry pre-victory plundering.

Returning to human form, Goji Son surveyed the carnage strewn about and strode off into the sunset, whistling merrily as he carefully avoided acid puddles.

Chapter 14: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
Ubergeek made short work of the Giant Phantom Thingy and was soon pounding the prostrate Miyako on the back.

"You said 'cracker'..." she managed to gasp before the Geekspawn clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle any further fits of hilarity.

"Looks like that's the end of any Effectswraiths© in THIS movie," the Geekspawn figured. "What say we head back to Morgoth's place and see what's on TV?"

"Probably not much," the she-Goji figured, nodding toward the Roostville Cable & Telephone Company, which was now surrounded by Roostville Fire Department apparatus.

"WHAAA...?!" the Geekspawn yelped, dashing toward the complex and nearly getting flattened by the company's speeding bucket truck.

Raptor, Gorgozilla, Bato-Goji, Lord Jimifulss, Sauron and Earth Baragon (along with E.T., who was the only one who could operate the Speak-n-Spell) were rapidly making their way to the KIJU 106 radio station transmitter. Jet Jaguar and Saruman were already there and helped unload the computer and TV equipment they had managed to rescue. Sauron was still beside himself over the the destruction of the town's internet, cable and telephone franchise.

"If only El Ghidorah Grande hadn't reversed the Energy Siphoning Process® our resident Evil Genius had employed, the feedback wouldn't have nearly blown the station off the map, and with us in it..."

"Don't sweat the small stuff," Jimi reminded him. "At least we were able to shake Kaneko in all the confusion. If he found out what we have planned for tonight, there would really be the devil to pay..." JJ quickly checked over E.T.'s latest reprogramming of the Speak-n-Spell.

"The first ever You-Know-What will be on the air as scheduled. We've got enough hardware here for the local cast but we'll have to figure some kind of make-up deal for the out-of-range subscribers. Who's got the Bagan introductory tape?"

Chapter 15: BACK ON SCHEDULE
Assembled in the copier room, the cast of ROBBERY IN ROOSTVILLE was amiably discussing the recent chaos over espressos and Strontium 89 when a rather terse announcement erupted over the PA system.

"Right then. Since the world went to Blue Effects Hell for a bit, investigations and punition have been postponed... for now. The Geek's off discussing that 'Animated Series' idea with Kaneko and the PETA people so get out there and FINISH THE SMEGGING MOVIE! That said... we believe in ya, real monsters own all, yadda yadda yadda. GET TO WORK!"

And thus the cast was thrown into Final Production Purgatory, somehow enduring three months of screen work crammed into 16 hours. Scenes were filmed and re-filmed. Filler material involving model aircraft was spliced in and half-dead actors, collapsing after each 'CUT!' had to be tasered awake. But ultimately... finally... the movie was completed. ROBBERY IN ROOSTVILLE went on to become a deranged hybrid of blockbuster hit and cult classic, sweeping the small corner of the world that Roostville's broadcasting system covered (basically Japan, Indonesia, the Bermuda Triangle and several South Sea islands). It set revenue records only matched by the Jimifulss/JJ team's KAIJU FIGHT CLUB/R/C video series, which sells on the black market to this day.

Gratefully ceding credit for that 'masterpiece' to a jubilant triad of Mods, Ubergeek went into seclusion for several months and emerged to spread terror and/or entertainment with the entire first season of GODZILLA: THE REVISED SERIES. Once it was carefully explained to Toho and PETA that celluloid doesn't feel pain, it became a fixture of Roostville couch mergers' nightly routine.


At some point during George Lucas' funeral, Christopher Lee arrived to ritualistically stuff his mouth with garlic, cut off his head and drive a stake through his heart. Hayden's remains, less than fit for public display, were unceremoniously incinerated. Evil Genius Man, slowly regaining his malefic energies (at least he could stand upright for the moment), delivered a stirring eulogy which sadly went unheard over the attendees' snoring.

Epilogue
Several months later, when Lord Jimifulss, Jet Jaguar et al figured they were in the clear, the Iron Crown descended. A full week of tissue testing for Hedorah proved more than enough 'discipline' for the wretched entrepreneurs.

Sheriff Varan went on to schedule a rematch with Yoda, decisively winning a sold out Hell-in-a-Cell bout at the Ghidorah Arena/Day Care Center-of-Doom®.

All in all, things settled down fairly well and life became JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THE ROOST!



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