Chapter One: WHO'S NUMBER ONE?
"Are they still at it?" groaned Robert Ranting.
"Yup," replied Sauron.
"Did I miss anything?" asked Lord Jimifulss.
"Yup, you missed the part when Angillis fired the maser tank at A55. The other two are having an aerial battle." Suddenly, the three Anguirus fans stopped arguing and focused their attention on something else. Madame G was screaming. As everyone watched, she ran from her house.
"Run! Run! Aliens are attacking!" Kiryu Goji had hung a fake Godzilla 2000 UFO outside her window.
"Kiryu Goji, you nut case!" yelled Robert. "You know that old hag is insane!" Kiryu Goji sighed and climbed down from her roof. But then something really did happen when a bomb went off.
"Why did you have a bomb in your backpack?" asked Kiryu.
"Um, I don't know!" replied Ubergeek. Nearly scared witless by the detonation of an explosive device on his person, the Geekspawn rolled about frantically for a good half-minute before recalling that as a were-Godzilla, he fed off thermal energy. Sheepishly, he regained his feet and the flames eating away at his jacket winked out. Removing the garment, Uber winced at the damage. "OK... Someone starts bleeding now." Meanwhile, the battle for Anguirus continued as Angillis decided to forego his maser tank and stick with Mechagodzilla II and Garuda.
No fools, everyone quickly pointed at poor Aqualla. With a savage battle cry, Ubergeek transformed and sprang at the Rodan-mimic. A thing-breakyish beat down ensued as Kiryu Goji, Sauron, Robert Ranting and Lord Jimi headed toward the fight to try and break it up. Aqualla pinned Ubergeek until the Spawn of Kenny kicked the pterosaur off him. Sauron and Robert held him back while Kiryu Goji and Lord Jimi held Ubergeek.
Suddenly, Ubergeek yelled, "GET DOWN!!!" just as a plasma cannon blast came straight at them.
"Sorry, guys! It slipped!" yelled Angillis off in the distance.
"Why do you have a solid gold statue of Anguirus at your house?" yelled A 55 angrily.
"Because I am his number one fan!!!" Angillis roared back.
"WE will show you who is his #1 fan!" yelled the other otakus as they all directed their artillery blasts straight at Angillis and Mechagodzilla.
"WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?!" yelled Kiryu Goji and Aqualla at the same time.
Then Lord Jimi made the mistake of declaring, "Enough about Anguirus!" and all three fans tackled him. Ubergeek just shrugged and joined in.
"Awright! I'm going home!" decided Kiryu Goji.
Chapter Two: SPAM ATTACK!
Nobody noticed the devastating weapon Spammy had pulled out: the Chicken Gun, a large automatic rifle with a chicken strapped backwards on the butt. Spammy cocked the weapon, aimed at Angillis and with a wicked smile, pulled the trigger. The chicken let out a loud squawk as an egg was launched from the barrel and went streaking toward Angillis, impacting with his forehead and drenching him in yoke. Spammy cackled madly as he spun in a circle launching egg after egg, each finding its intended target.
All seemed lost until Baragon2003 came in and blew Spammy away by using HTML. Then he walked towards the dead, lifeless body of Baragon2002.
"Ha, only 815 posts. Loser..." He soon left the field of battle singing the Jet Jaguar song. "Gojira to Jaguar, punch, Punch, PUNCH!!" Jet heard his theme song being sung and flew to the site of the melee.
"What in the mechanical abyss is going on here?" he demanded. "Maybe I need to grow to Monster Size (patent pending) and deal with this situation." Jet did grow to Monster Size, and just in time as a monster attacked. It was SPAMZILLA! Spammy had been revived and fired Spamming Beams, bringing back every single Spammer that ever hit the Internet!
"Well, we all know what to do, don't we?" yelled Angillis. "It is time to gather all of Rodan's Roost and like my saying goes, 'We came, we saw, we kicked some butt!!!'" The Roosters charged at the impossible odds with the Anguirus fans tackling some of the spammers in order to eat them, for they were nothing but canned Spam. Lord Jimifulss didn't like Spam so he just stepped on the evil spammers. Robert Ranting, Sauron and Aqualla started to systematically kill them with the Chicken Gun.
While they were occupied with the small stuff, JJ fought Spamzilla. The robot was winning until he was hit by the Spamming Beam and turned into a Spammer!
"NOOOooooooo!..." yelled JJ. All seemed hopeless until the amazing robot re-programmed himself and fired an Anti-Spam Ray directly at Spamzilla, causing undue pain and hemorrhoidal swelling. The evil Spammer exploded, shooting Spam everywhere which the Anguirus fans, Ubergeek, Aqualla and Kiryu Goji began to eat.
Chapter Three: THE ARRIVAL OF BAGAN
Aqualla, still pissed off at being called a Rodan-mimic and a pterosaur, unleashed his ice beam at Ubergeek and Kiryu Goji, freezing them on the the spot. As he walked forward, intent on smashing the two imbeciles into tiny fragments, the real Kaiju continued to fight the unused ones who were finally defeated (except for Bagan who ran away and was never seen again). Then the real Kaiju returned triumphantly to Monster Island.
Ubergeek vaporized the ice with an Atomic Pulse. "Prepare for the Hurt©!" And indeed, the Hurt® came as the two horrors clashed. Aqualla, attempting to peck Uber's eyes out, was snatched up by the beak, spun about like a discus and finally tossed into the nearest wall at 450 MPH. Leaving his erstwhile foe firmly affixed to the concrete, Uber went on his merry way.
Chapter Four: ATTACK OF THE LEVIATHAN
"Pathetic fools! Mecha Anguirus! Get your ass in here!" screamed the demonic tyrant. Mecha Anguirus entered the gigantic throne room, crawling to his Lord's feet with his head bent low.
"What orders does my Lord and Master command?" he asked in a trembling voice.
"Prepare for the invasion. We attack Earth in approximately three hours. Give Sauron two hours' time. Tell him if he doesn't finish off that Kaiju army, his soul will fester forever in my kingdom." Melkor then kicked the prostate form of his servant and with a wave of his hand, Mecha Anguirus was dismissed. Melkor ordered a servant-in-waiting to bring him a glass of red wine (err... blood ) and continued his maniacal laughter.
Meanwhile, Aqualla had peeled himself from the wall, turned to Ubergeek and chanted in Latin: "Enim erici repo intro tui pyga ut abolesco donec pyga oris ferveo tui erumpo in morsus." Uber had time to emit a brief Huh? before a horde of Cthulhoid demons proceeded to drop out of nowhere, turn him inside out and commit NC-17-rated acts with the remains. That settled, Aqualla sauntered off, whistling a jaunty tune before a look of confusion swept across his face.
"Wait a minute, that wasn't my curse. My curse translated as 'May a hedgehog crawl up your butt and die while your face boils and erupts in pain.' Okay, who put a curse on Ubergeek!? Own up because you've spoiled my fun and I must cause YOU great pain now."
At that moment, Kiryu Goji broke free of the ice and blasted Ubergeek, sending the transformer flying into a general store as the Leviathan landed on top of the remains of Spammy.
Melkor yelled into his microphone, "I am the Leviathan, the most terrible virus on the web. I come to destroy this web site and replace it with a Barbie fan club! Ha! Ha! HA! HA! HA!"
"NOOOOoooooo!" yelled the townsfolk. All of Rodan's Roost (except the Anguirus fans who were busy killing each other) grabbed the nearest weapon and charged, only to be stopped in their tracks by 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Gyaos and Space Gyaos.
"Don't attack until ya see the whites of their eyes!!" yelled Angillis 333 after he had demolished the lesser fans of Anguirus. All of Rodan's Roost (with Angillis 333, Lord Jimi, Sauron and the Mods leading) headed into battle. Ubergeek, somehow recovering from dismemberment, sodomization and KG's blasts, looked up at the wall-to-wall Gyaos, soiled himself and ran off to change clothes.
Saruman called in a useful plot device: Miroku, the cursed monk from Inuyasha, who promptly sucked up the Gyaos with the black hole in his right hand, pocketed the novelty check from Morgoth and departed. The fight raged on, with Saruman leading the fans to victory as the Gyaos were completely destroyed.
The Leviathan then disgorged a myriad of Legion Soldiers and Juvenile Destoroyahs. The battle raged on as Allosaurz, Kiryu Goji, Ubergeek, Angillis 333, Baragon 2003, Saruman, Rodan2000 and all the other members fought the possessed creatures. Saruman realized that the only way to stop the attack was to kill the controlling device. Jet Jaguar flew in to save the day also as his theme music swelled in the background. With amazing strength, JJ tore the controlling device off its hinges, sending the man-sized Destoroyahs and Legion Soldiers attacking the Leviathan itself, along with the Roosters. It returned fire but in an amazing feat heretofore unknown by ANYone, Jet's eyes flashed a brilliant crimson hue as he aimed the beams that emanated from within him towards the Leviathan.
"Eat THAT, Cyclops!" JJ howled as he flew into the night sky. The attack missed its target and the Leviathan grounded the gallant robot before attacking the Roosters. To make matters worse, all those who had been banned from the Roost appeared, ready to join the fight against the valiant Roosters. This was when all the other web sites that had anything to do with Kaiju sent back-up to Roostville. Angillis 333, riding in the Garuda on Mechagodzilla II, blasted every Spammer in sight.
"BANNER BEAM!" yelled the Admins and Mods, firing away.
It was a bloody battle and many hath fallen, "BUT WE SHALL NEVER GIVE UP! WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER! WE CAME, WE SAW, WE KICKED YOUR A**!!!" yelled Angillis as he shot all the weapons he had at his disposal and wiped out the scum. "Now I am going home. Boy, this has been a long day!" he declared but Rodan's Roost had won the war.
Chapter Five: UBERGEEK'S RETURN
"Welcome to Roostville, crown jewel of the UKCC! Here you will find rolling grasslands and serene pools of water without sacrificing your need for technology. Visit the Roostville Institute of Advanced Physics and Science, headed by world-renowned scientist Sandworm Phish. Marvel at our world-class hotels and resorts and take a trip to our very own Beverly Hills, Titanosaurus Terraces! Dine at Ziller's, home and birthplace of the world-famous Super Steak.
"Roostville is also home to culture and the arts so make sure to visit our lovely museum, the Museum of Monsters. Get to know more about these awesome creatures at our Institute of Kaijuology, under the auspices of Messrs. Saruman, four-time winner of the Nobel Prize, and Enshohma, three-time winner and revered Kaijuologists the world over.
"For the fashion conscious, make sure to visit our boutiques located at Rodan Drive, home to such designers as Angmani, QG, John Biollante and many more!
"Finally, should you desire to purchase a home here in Roostville, please take some time to check out our many different sub-divisions, all overlooking beautiful Lake Dagarah. In charge of local law enforcement is Sheriff Varan, an aspiring writer and less-vocal member of our community, though everyone knows he keeps the peace around here. And, as they say in this town, 'break a leg, literally!'"
And with that, the video presentation ended. The interior of the tour bus was warm and friendly, indeed an inviting ride for all those seeking to visit Roostville, biggest attraction of the United Kaiju Confederacy Consortium.
Founded in 1954 by a colony of survivors from Odo Island, the place has evolved since then into one of the most beautiful in the world. Scientists moved their universities there in order to better study of the phenomenon known as Kaiju and eventually, the place was filled up by people from every different caste. It was literally like something from a 50s B-movie; the quintessential town where everyone knows each other by name and rarely anything worse than the torching of a house happens.
Kaiju were first introduced into our world in 1933 when a gigantic gorilla dubbed 'King Kong' menaced the city of New York, baffling scientists to no end. A similar incident occurred in 1938, this time in the Japanese city of Edo. Then the Great War burst like a roaring flood upon a turmoiled world, and Kaiju, or 'strange beast' in Japanese, were left unstudied for a time. Nearly a decade passed until a seemingly extinct creature, the Rhedosaurus, emerged from the depths of the sea to wage war on London. But the worst was yet to come.
In 1954, the most-feared Kaiju awoke from its slumber and with it, a plague of death and terror followed. The stage, Tokyo, Japan, then home to six million people and a buzzing city full of life. The date, November 3rd. It was then that the beast attacked, laying waste to the city and burning Tokyo to the ground. Gojira it was called and the title of 'King of the Monsters' was bestowed upon him. Finally realizing that Kaiju were no longer hidden in mystery, a colony soon formed in the place now known as Roostville. The most respected institutes of Kaijuology in the world were established and Roostville is now officially recognized as an independent nation, advising other countries on how to solve their Kaiju problems.
The bus screeched to a halt. The blaring voice from the PA system had announced that they were finally in Roostville. At length, Ubergeek stood up, got off and breathed the city's fresh air. He had brought with him a single backpack containing snacks and other necessary provisions. Why he had taken a tour bus, he did not remember. He walked down the street, a cheerful smile plastered across his face. Suddenly, a voice called out and Melkor came running to his old friend/sparring partner/debate club opponent, knocking the Geek to the pavement.
"Hey, Geek... why the tourist bus?"
"You don't wanna know," mumbled Ubergeek to himself, though it came not as a surprise to him that it had been audible.
"Well, Saru's waiting for you so quit wasting time and get over there." Ubergeek got up, his back still sore from his collision with the pavement. He walked over to Melkor and his car, a two-week old Aston Martin Vanquish. The engine roared and soon the speedometer read 100 MPH. Destination, Roostville Institute of Kaijuology.
Chapter Six: DOCTOR PHISH
"At last! My thermonuclear jigsaw puzzle is complete!" And indeed it was. A sheet of glowing metal cast an ominous light on the containment chamber around it, in stark contrast to the ultra adorable image of a paws-up kitten on the front. "Now, I vill unveil my creation to ze vorld! Vait a secont! Vhy am I speakink vis ze German accent? Ah vell." Shrugging proved to be a mistake as the somewhat absent-minded professor jostled one of the waldos which slapped the puzzle. Luckily for the citizens of Roostville, the inter-dimensional shunt worked as specified and deposited the detonating puzzle in a random location (well, it was supposed to be random but for some reason, all his nuclear detonations had a habit of occurring in Sapporo). "Oh darn! Guess I'll have to make due with only ten doomsday weapons for now... What next, though... " he wondered. "I've already done anti-matter, singularity manipulation, weather control. I know! I'll get back to work on my Kaiju Enhancement Program!"
Chapter Seven: MEANWHILE, AT CITY HALL...
"Hey, bud. What's this Concerned Citizens Committee thing all about? More backlash about gun control?"
"I don't think so, sir," Varan replied. "The RRAMS (Roostville Rifle and Maser Society) pretty much convinced the PC types that particular 'cause' was a lost one when they used their houses and vehicles for target practice."
"Hmmm. Maybe another 'Leash-the-Kaiju' push? I realize the Street & Sanitation Department is hard pressed to deal with some of the damage they might cause around town but still..." Varan figured he had best offer what services he could.
"How about I just bring a few deputies over there? I noticed someone stuck up fliers all over town, telling everyone to be at City Hall today."
"Good idea," the Mayor agreed. "We wouldn't want things to get out of hand." With that, he hung up and headed downstairs to meet his constituents.
"Oh, oh..." Morgoth groaned when he saw the large crowd amassed along the broad frontage of the city's office complex. There were also plenty of picket signs proclaiming STOP THE INSANITY!, SCIENCE, NOT SUICIDE and BAN THE BOMB! He was quickly joined by nearly the entire staff of the prestigious University Department of Kaijuology.
"This is getting out of hand, Mayor!" Professor D.B. Zelda, the renowned dean insisted. "These... laymen seem to think we're somehow influencing Kaiju to wreak havoc when it was Evil Genius Man who caused El Ghidorah Grande to show up and knock out the cable system!"
The Institute of Kaijuology was also well represented by Nobel laureates Saruman and Enshohma, not to mention their chief funder, Ubergeek. Melkor was also with them, and apparently not too happy either.
"Ah, what brings you here, Mr. Geek?" Morgoth asked, knowing the Geekspawn preferred to keep his association with the Institute below the radar as much as possible.
"Them," Uber growled, nodding toward the ever-growing crowd of protesters who were getting rather restless. Their noisome, cacophonous ramblings shook the Earth with a fierce intensity. Windows soon shattered and the staff inside City Hall were prompted to seek shelter, one way or another. Cars were soon hurrying out of the parking lots, though it was only half past one. Inside, the gradually increasing number of more elite Roostafarians ignored the racket.
Soon, the protesters could no longer contain themselves. A rock flew from the hand of one disgruntled citizen, hitting the window of the Mayor's office. Others drew their weapons, be they crude, dull knives or just sharp-edged rocks. Security unleashed themselves, barring the horde of mad, drunken citizens from entering the hallowed halls, though barely. It was like a scene from a horribly-derailed game of the World Cup.
Mayor Morgoth grew angry and with a swing of his mighty war hammer, silenced the marauding hordes outside. Melkor, Ubergeek and D.B. Zelda were also knocked down. The Mayor's figure loomed in the dark office and his step was like falling thunder. A cold malice glinted in his eyes. The hordes below cowered like rats before the great figure of a roaring lion.
Meanwhile, Melkor, owner of the Museum of Monsters, several banks and other establishments in the city (including the local mall), highly regarded scholar/archeologist of Middle-earth and professor emeritus of the Institute of Kaijuology, conversed with some of the more prominent figures of the city. No one knew what issue was at hand, save perhaps for the parasitic personalities of the media.
"So, what is this commotion all about?"' he asked.
"I'm pretty sure it's about the tax increase, but wasn't that settled YEARS ago?" asked an equally puzzled Ubergeek.
"Beats me! I think we better ask Sandworm Phish if he knows anything about it. Those pricks are really getting annoying, you know?" Melkor grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and entered Phish's number. The phone rang but there was no answer. Finally, the renowned scientist picked up. The conversation ended and Melkor looked back at an eagerly awaiting company wondering about the seriousness of the situation. Their jaws soon dropped at the news.
"It seems that Phish's latest doomsday weapon was stolen, apparently by a member of the government. He didn't say much, at least nothing more than the fact that one of the thieves was found unconscious and he's a member of the government. They checked his background and he apparently works for a Mr. Simon. As far as I know, there isn't a 'Mr. Simon' anywhere in City Hall. I know this since Morgoth keeps me informed on stuff like this and he knows everyone who works for him, including the first names of the security guards."
Mayor Morgoth's dark figure surveyed the people below him as his Iron Crown flashed furiously. Phish looked out the window and shrugged as the Mayor once more allowed his wrath to descend on some of the more annoying citizens. Personally, he would have preferred for them to be protesting outside his lab. After all, his new 30 megaton crowd dispersal unit needed a field trial.
"Now where did I put that neutron spanner..." he mumbled, considering the possibilities.
At the same time, Obscure Kaiju Researcher Yongary (who worked at Enshohma's Institute of Obscure Kaiju) had arrived back in town. He had lately been in Mexico after hearing rumors of a bootleg print of DEMON FROM DEVIL'S LAKE existing there. As he reached City Hall, he noticed the commotion. Suddenly, a familiar face came out of the crowd. It was his Associate Researcher, Cam Eleon.
"What's all the commotion about?" Yongary asked.
"Beats me," Cam replied. "I doubt the protesters know either." As Yongary began driving up the winding road that led to the Institute, he noticed a peculiar thing out the corner of his eye. A black cloud had appeared over the town. It had already reached past the institute and was beginning to engulf the entire area.
Chapter Eight: THE LEAGUE OF UN-ORDINARY GENTLETHINGS®
70th Floor, Partially-Sunken ID-4 City-Buster, East River, 3:40 PM:
Gazing through a transpari-steel viewport at a fiery sunset, Miyako Aso drew in a deep breath and turned back to her visitor. "Now... what are those idiots calling themselves again?"
"The WHKFLARTEW... WHKFAAAO... WTF... ah, screw it," grunted Sheriff Varan. "The name ain't really important. It's a bunch of degenerates and hacker pukes with too much time on their hands. Oh, and a bunch of Unused Monsters®. Now THOSE are the ones we should be worried about."
"Wait a minute! I thought Uber found parts in GODZILLA: THE REVISED SERIES for the unused guys." The Sheriff shrugged.
"Maybe he missed a few." Abruptly, Miyako winced as an ugly thought surfaced.
"You don't suppose Bagan..."
"Nah," the Sheriff assured them. "Last I saw the big lug, he was consolidating the royalties off ROBBERY IN ROOSTVILLE." Varan leaned forward, nervously cracking his fore claws. "But unlikely as it is these freaks would actually do us any lasting damage, the Mods® think it necessary to nip this thing in the bud. If you don't want the job, I understand..." Flexing her right hand, the were-Goji unsheathed a set of ebon talons.
"No... I'm in. So, what's the plan?"
"We're gonna assemble a team like nothing the world, at least the REST of the world... has seen."
Space Varen stepped outside his house and looked toward the horizon. He saw the Kaiju haters in the distance and realized he had to tell everyone they were coming. He knew he wouldn't make it in time by foot so he transformed and glided toward the East River.
There was a flash of light and Evil Genius Man appeared. An eerie black aura radiated from his body.
"I'm in," he announced, taking a seat at the table. Sheriff Varan raised an eyebrow. "Evil as I am, I am still a Kaiju Fan and I cannot allow these insolent fools to continue with their pathetic attempt to destroy us. Plus, I recently acquired some 'interesting' new powers (thanks to some evil artifacts) and I'm dying to test them out on living targets." He grinned evilly as those on either side of him scooted their chairs as far as they could from the madman.
Count us in!" yelled Count Super Jet Jaguar and Angillis.
"Um, aren't you supposed to be asleep?"
"Sun block really works! Now, where were we?" Space Varen soon landed in front of the meeting place and transformed back into his human form before running inside.
"The Kaiju haters are coming!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, accidentally spewing a non-lethal corona beam at the far wall. Raising an eyebrow at the display of cosmic beaminess and giving the new arrivals a brief once-over, Miyako pulled the Sheriff aside for a brief discussion.
"THAT'S the team you were talking about? If anything, those freaks'll do more damage than the hacker punks!"
"Now hold on a sec," protested the Sheriff. "I sure didn't call those guys here. They just appeared and God(zilla) knows how they caught wind of this."
"Actually," piped up EGM. "God wishes he had my Surveillance Systems®. Stealth drones, camera fleas... you name it, I've invested in it. Totally wired, baby."
"Uh... I saw 'em coming," Space Varan explained.
"'Coming?' As in EN MASSE?" inquired Miyako and the Sheriff as one.
"Then we've got even less time than I thought," growled the non-space Varan. "I'm gettin' on the horn with Professor Phish, Mr. Eleon, Yongary, Melkor and Enshohma's boys. Oh, and Ms. Aso, if you can pry Uber away from whatever he's tinkering with, that'd be good."
"Oh, I'll have him up to speed before you know it. He never could resist a good fight." With that, the Eurasian shape-shifter darted off, bound for the Celluloid Critter Cells Ubergeek had set up in the City-Buster's #10 launch port as Sheriff Varan gazed balefully at the Dark Cloud® settling over his fair city, frowned and turned to rally the troops.
"All right, people! Darned if I haven't got files thick as my arteries on half of you but for the moment, you're all we've got. Let's arm up and prepare a nice reception for those scum." Space Varen stepped outside and in a flash of white energy, turned into his REAL self and let several armed Roostafarians climb on his back before gliding off toward the battlefield.
When they landed at the Information Superhighway exit leading into Roostville, his fellow League of Un-Ordinary Gentlethings® assembled about the great reptile: Prof. Sandworm Phish, inspired (or at least touched-in-the-head) techno-wizard. Evil Genius Man, would-be ruler of the world. Cam Eleon and Yongary, Obscure Daikaiju Hunters (a rather chaotic occupation in itself). Sheriff Varan, Roostville's long and scaly arm of the law. Super Jet Jaguar and Angillis 333, crazed beings of near infinite weirdness and untapped power. Melkor, accomplished mage and would-be Dark Lord®©. Miyako and Ubergeek, were-Kaiju and veterans of Roostville's darkest hour(s). Bato-Goji, magically transformed Heisei Godzilla Doppleganger®. And last but certainly not least, Enshohma, Emperor of Fire Monsters and fellow Obscure Kaiju Addict (as well as several Ultraman© monsters he'd summoned on short notice) and a good three dozen heavily-armed Roostville citizens.
Before them loomed a horde of unshaven, pallid hackers - raving, beefy hooligan types from several European nations (all of whom had somehow packed themselves into sickeningly tiny shorts) and a host of Sesame Street-esque leviathans, emitting hideous grating squeals as they neared their objective. Without further ado, the League's various shape-changers assumed their daikaiju forms, prompting the less intestinally fortified among the enemy to mess themselves. Deliberately drawing his charged-particle six-shooter, the Sheriff tossed said weapon into the air, allowed it to spin several times, snatched it and fired a shot into the air. The battle was on!
Chapter Nine: INVASION
"Aw, crap," observed SJJ. "It's Viras."
"IRYS," corrected the Phish.
"Even worse." The vampiric wraith, light from the setting sun glinting off its metallic fighting spurs, implacably regarded its foes and spoke in a hissing rasp.
"I have need of these fools for the time being and you shall not interfere." Irys tilted its armored head toward an emaciated computer geek dressed in midnight-black druidic robes and shuddering uncontrollably as he grasped a strangely bound book. "Complete the ceremony whilst I 'entertain' our guests." Training a practiced stare on the bizarre book, Cam Eleon gasped as he recognized the cover: human skin. Yongary, having assumed the form of his namesake, bent down to see what the matter was.
"Hey, Cam! What's giving you the wiggins?"
"Unless there's ANOTHER book bound in human hide circulating hereabouts, that gork's got Necromancer: The Book of the Damned Dead." Yongary's normally beady eyes bulged with shock.
"That can't be good... Wait... what the hell would Irys want with something like that?"
"Damned if I know! But you know The Necromancer - nobody EVER filches it for anything but Hell on Earth. We've gotta get it away from those psychos!" Snapping one murderous tendril like a kilometer-long whip, Irys readied itself as the band of rabble, their morale renewed, swarmed to engage the Roostafarians and the League's various were-Kaiju barreled to meet them. Holding up the rear, Sheriff Varan, Angillis, SJJ and Melkor (backed by a pack of their less-bizarrely-armed comrades) cut into the advancing degenerates' ranks with a spray of Anime Energy Blasts©, charged-particle shots, anti-tank rockets and black incantations. Forced by a closing enemy to engage in melee combat, the foursome did so with panache: Melkor, a thunderous roaring laugh erupting from within his armored mask, laid about with Grond, Hammer of the Underworld®©, splattering unlucky foes into the concrete. SJJ and Angillis, fighting back-to-back, unloaded a flurry of super-powered punches and kicks and Sheriff Varan, leaping skyward, curled into a spiky ball, treating his attackers to the much-feared Iron Maiden Steamroller© that had propelled him to untold heights in the Ironclaw Kaiju Tourneys before he'd opted to enter law enforcement.
Elsewhere, Yongary (with Cam hot on his heels), bellowed as he dashed in at Irys, intent on keeping the mystic fiend busy while Cam 'negotiated' with the robed hacker who'd already started reading from Necromancer (which, as Bruce Campbell could tell you, is never a smart thing to do). The black haze over Roostville darkened further and expanded as Irys, nimbly side-stepping Yongary's shoulder block, delivered a vicious 'punch' with its right spur, catching the humanoid reptile in the throat. Wheezing horribly, Yongary reeled back, clutching his windpipe in agony and giving Irys an excellent opening to further hammer the dinosaur with lightning-quick tendril blows, knocking several teeth loose before unceremoniously yanking his feet from under him. Yongary took an involuntary dive off the bridge. Irys coolly scanned the remainder of the League, savoring the nigh-tangible rage in the air.
"I grow bored. Anyone else?" Ubergeek and Enshohma, baying forth twin challenge-roars, attacked as one. Activating the flight membranes sprouting from its back, Irys jetted into the air and readied its tendril tips which split to reveal glowing yellow orbs. A split-second whine hit both reptiles' ears, causing them to instinctively spring in opposite directions as Irys fired a pair of fiery projectiles Enshohma's way, simultaneously sweeping twin sonic cutting beams after Uber as he dashed aside. Diving in between the fire balls, Enshohma caught a glancing blow to the shoulder but spared the full concussive force, he simply absorbed the murderous energy and plunged in to grapple with Irys. The Geekspawn, not faring quite as well, stumbled for a moment as sonic energy cut a long gash in his upper left leg, then winced as Irys, flipping backward to bend with Enshohma's attack, planted an armored foot in the dragon's gut, throwing him to the concrete with an impact that jarred the bridge.
Unleashing a gout of crimson heat, only to watch Irys almost casually deflect the beam, blocking its energy with a tentacle tip, Ubergeek mentally cursed and sprang, maintaining his heat ray as he went. Surprised by this unorthodox move, Irys shrieked with fury as thermonuclear pain raked across its chest, charring flesh and raising smoke. Irys then reflexively snapped a knee up, literally impaling the Geekspawn on the long spine protruding from said joint. Both titans hit the bridge's right support struts with a terrific boom! and Irys, recovering first, sent Uber over the side with a tremendous heave, trailing ichor as he went.
Actually somewhat winded now, Irys slowly rose. "A better effort, but still insufficient." The essence-sucking demon's words were lost in the roar of nuclear flame as Bato-Goji and an incensed Miyako opened up, forcing him onto the defensive. Finding his tendrils insufficient against such a concentrated assault, Irys managed a grating snarl as he leapt back, prepared to unleash another sonic/fire ball salvo, only to be blind-sided by Enshohma who laid open his right shin with a claw swipe, then pressed the attack with a shower of flame. Wailing, Irys shot skyward, his assailant mere feet behind, then wheeled about, planning to clip Enshohma's wings with a sonic barrage. Fortunately, yet another burst of flame, this one a spiraling crimson bolt, slammed into the Gyaos-derivative's back, smashing him from the air. With Irys stunned for a second, Enshohma raised a quick bit of dialogue with the Gojis below.
"You guys about ready to end this?"
"You've done enough, Rafe. I want a piece of that sucker," growled Miyako.
"Uh... you two sure you can handle him?"
"I think we've got a shot. 'Sides, the troops seem to need some support," noted Bato, gesturing toward the Roostville ranks as they inched back before the Obscure Kaiju Horde.
"Ookay, then... good luck." With that, Enshohma winged off to crash-dive into a knot of Power Rangers villain rejects as the were-Gojis® charged, intent on catching Irys before he got a second wind. Realizing its plight, Irys cut loose with a full-blown plasma fusillade, forcing both saurians to desperately duck and weave in an attempt to evade. Caught in the side, Miyako roared in pain but rolled with the hit, reducing its kinetic damage. Bato, less agile, took the brunt of Irys' fire, taking three fire balls to the right knee, chest and face. With an agonized howl, he swayed drunkenly, barely staying on his feet.
At this point, Irys, confident that a point-blank shot would finish this reptilian hulk off, made the mistake of letting one tendril drift within claws' reach as it drew a bead. Bato, staring through a red mist, caught said appendage in a blur of motion. While physical grace might be an uncommon trait among the Gojiran clan, brute power was something else entirely, a lesson Irys learned firsthand as Bato-Goji played a rather vicious game of 'crack the whip,' ensuring the vampiric Gyaos derivative's intimate acquaintance with the bridge's concrete. After five such brutal beatings, Irys managed to break loose with a sonic fusillade which cleanly lopped off a massive portion of the bridge's support struts, sending Bato on an unscheduled trip to the river below. The malefic glow of his optic orb somewhat reduced, Irys squared off against his sole remaining challenger.
"It would be a shame for such potential to end here. My objective nears completion anyhow-eh?" Midway through its spiel, Irys spied the struggling forms of Cam Eleon and the robed comp nerd, Necromancer glowing ominously on the pavement nearby. Gazing tensely upward, Irys sighed in relief (despite lacking a mouth). The incantation had apparently been completed before the human speck had interfered and his brethren were on their way back.
Exploiting her foe's lapse of focus, Miyako was inside the tentacled horror's striking radius, forcing Irys back with a relentless barrage of blows. With the she-Goji© pressing it too closely for a proper counterattack with its tendrils, Irys attempted to go airborne and open some space, only to get rudely surprised as Miyako intercepted the effort with a spinning leap, catching it in the face with a wicked tail-swipe. Crashing to the concrete atop Irys, the were-Goji pinned its lethal spurs with her hind feet and jammed her fore claws under Irys' 'chin,' bending the armored skull back, ignoring its foe's frenzied attempts to beat her off, intent on realigning Irys' vertebrae.
At that moment, the dark sky exploded in an octarine flash, disgorging a hideous mass of thrashing wings, flashing yellow beams and gurgling screams. A battered Yongary slung over his massive shoulder, Bato-Goji rose from the river, looked up at the sky and groaned.
Chapter Ten: THE GYAOS RETURN
"The Gyaos AGAIN?? That must be the third time this week!" Feeling its attacker's crushing grip slacken, Irys gazed up at its comrades with satisfaction. Necromancer had done its job, freeing his pack mates from the Hell® Daimajin had banished them to (see WHEN THE DUST SETTLED).
"Ahh... success." In no mood for cryptic musings, Miyako leaned down, locking eyes a scant foot from Irys' muzzle and snarled, azure energy crackling up her dorsal spines.
"So all this crap with the comp geeks and soccer-fan rejects was planned so YOU could release the Gyaos?!"
"Quite correct. And with that accomplished..."
"What, you'll tear us all a new one and turn Roostville into a buffet platter for your demented cousins?"
"Gods, no! My compatriots have a legitimate grievance against those who rule this city and we shall seek justice in a civilized manner." Enshohma and Ubergeek, picking felt strips of 'flesh' from their teeth, limped up.
"Lemme get this straight: the Gyaos are here to SUE us??"
"Damn right!" squawked a massive, battle-scarred Blood Bat©, apparently the swarm's leader. "We've been mauled, pulped and otherwise abused by so-called 'respectable' Kaiju for the past decade and it's time our rights were acknowledged!"
"Waitasec," yelled Angillis. "We've just been blasting you turkeys apart 'cause you try to EAT us!"
"Well, what in blazes are we SUPPOSED to do? We're giant aerial carnivores. What do you people expect? Besides, half the time we're being puppeteered by aliens. Speaking of which, where's that #$$$ing Kilaak #$#$%? We've got a REAL bone to pick with that tart!" Perhaps addled by his recent beating c/o Cam, the Druidic Hacker Puke© stumbled up to add his two cents.
"Hey, 1rys... wh4t ab0ut u5?"
"Oh, you're still here? I must have neglected to mention that you'll be the refreshments." Descending upon the greasy hordes like a dark cloud, the Gyaos deftly corralled their 'saviors,' separating them from the nonplussed Roostville residents as a terrible feast began.
"HERE VIRAS! HERE GIRL!" yelled SJJ, holding a can of apple juice. Irys started drooling! "Want it? Then kill the hackers!" Within minutes, all the hackers had been destroyed. "Good girl! Here ya go!" he threw the juice to her.
Five minutes later:
"You are my lord and master," droned Viras! Observing the caped robot's bizarre Pavlovian antics with the alien squid, Irys found itself deeply, deeply disturbed but things only got weirder as Super JJ advanced on the Gyaos-derived killing machine with what resembled a pitcher of the stuff. Edging away nervously, Irys turned to the Phish.
"Err... just what does that thing think it's doing?"
"Oh, him? Probably picked up that dubbed G3 DVD. You're supposed to reeeeally like apple juice in that version." Irys shuddered.
"Truly, something gets lost in the East/West transition." Super JJ was soon gleefully directing a hypno-drugged Viras against the Gyaos swarm which hovered out of reach and cast one collective Baleful Look From Hell© at the League.
"See? THIS is what we mean!" Space Varen's eyes glowed with an intense heat before he unleashed the most powerful corona beam in the history of Kaiju right into the center of the Gyaos swarm and spun it around, striking several at a time. Then he sent a telepathic message to his best friend, Space Godzilla. There was a mighty thud as SG landed and lunged at his DD2 opponent, Irys.
Groggy, a cat crawled from under a porch. "Oh, geez louise, what is this? The League of Extraordinary Gentlebeings?" Catbert then had an idea.
"Yo, bub!" The wierdo monk guy ran up to Catbert. "Gimme the book, or CRRKKK!" Catbert made a slashing motion across his throat. He was soon flipping through Necromancer. "Sure, like totally," he muttered to himself. "Spell for unlimited Raid, nah. Spell for banishing Gyaos to Hell, no. Spell for unlimited mice... might check on that one. Ah, Spell for Creating Fictional Characters into 150 foot tall daikaiju. 'Just say Yada yada yada (insert book series here) nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.' Dang it," he thought. "Oh. Make yourself into a monster spell." In a flash, Catbert was ready to rush into action against the Gyaos until he looked down. "My bad." In a claw, the Necromancer had been ripped to shreds!
Irys glared at this new arrival, somehow managing an exasperated demeanor as Space Godzilla swooped in to attack. Rocketing skyward at the last moment, the vampiric terror left Spacey to plow into what remained of the bridge, barely missing Enshohma as he skidded to a stop. Space Varen reared back, charging up another Corona Beam but was rudely tackled from the air and muzzled by three were-Gojis.
"Knock it off, you daft bugger!" roared Bato. Stumbling to his feet, Space Godzilla blinked.
"Uh... what's going on?" Irys broke away from Catbert to explain.
"My associates and I have arrived to seek legal action against Roostville's government for unfair brutality toward Gyaos. In case you're unclear, that means we WON'T be breaking things or eating anyone... unless they deserve it.
"Aww... That just sucks the fun out of it," grunted the crystal behemoth. Reactivating his crystal array, Space Godzilla took his leave. "C'mon, SV. I'll grab ya a whale or two." Catbert, having overheard the explanation, shrugged morosely and departed to order a pizza, leaving Yongary and Cam Eleon to retrieve the shredded Necromancer. (Un)luckily, the Book of Death's eldritch properties quickly repaired the feline claw-gashes, prompting the pair to exchange a glance. Turning back to the assembly of comrades and Gyaos, Cam had a suggestion.
"Say, guys, if you don't mind, we'll be off to stick this puppy in a secure place."
"Good idea, Cam," grunted Sheriff Varan. "Now then... If you people... err, beings... are finished here, I'll direct you to the Court House." With that, the Gyaos descended from the air, lined up behind Irys in a bizarrely precise single file and trooped off in the Sheriff's wake.
Chapter 11: DISORDER IN THE COURT
"Okay, who is our lawyer?" asked Ubergeek.
"I AM!" declared Super Jet Jaguar.
"Oh okaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! WTF do you mean?!"
"I will represent Roostville in this case. I cost no money, only blood."
"Oh, yeah?! Then explain THIS!" yelled SJJ, holding up a picture of Irys blasting a Gyaos to death.
"I was drunk! Apple juice does that to me!"
"Really, now... And this?" He now presented one of her mutilating a Gyaos, then doing unmentionable things to the remains.
With Irys and associates busy at the court house, Sheriff Varan paid Dr. Phish a courtesy visit.
"Now about that missing doomsday weapon..."
"I wondered what that thing was..." said Irys.
"You have it!"
"Had it. I blew up Pluto! Such a useless planet."
"Hey, that was our home planet!!!" screamed the Space Gyaos.
Ten hours later:
"Irys, you have been found guilty of blowing up Pluto! You are hereby sentenced to spend an eternity with Angillis and you can't kill him!"
"NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!"
But then, the Space Gyaos, mad at Irys for destroying their home planet, started chanting "Death to Irys, death to Irys, death to Irys!"
Saruman, employing the Voice®, howled: "ORDER IN THE SMEGGIN' COURT! Now then... 'Count' Super Jet Jaguar, I'd like another look at your 'evidence'." Within roughly 12 minutes, it was determined that the Gyaos-slaughter footage was ripped off GAMERA I through III, then spliced with outtakes of Irys using its sonic rays. As for the 'unspeakable things to the remains,' that turned out to be lifted from DEBBIE DOES DALLAS IV, which SJJ's roommate, Angillis, had apparently begun taping over the previous footage. Furthermore, the 'explosion of Pluto' had been simulated via the use of a firecracker and a Styrofoam packing ball. Disgusted, Melkor snatched SJJ's plasma packets back.
"Remind me again why we keep you around..."
"That must be it..."
"Now then," Irys growled, glaring at the now-hushed Space Gyaos. "Can we PLEASE continue with something resembling common sense?"
"Tru'dat," croaked the Head Blood Bat©. "We, the Union for Gyaos Rights®©, find the Dark Lords of Roostville guilty of 740 separate cases of Kaiju Slaughter, 3,343 counts of grievous injury, 12,000 counts of general disrespect and one Trip to the Bowels of Hell®. How do the defendants plead?"
"Hey, waitasec!" shrieked a Space Gyaos.
"What NOW?" hissed Irys.
"I just remembered... We moved to Planet X a century ago! Pluto isn't our home after all!"
"Well, whoop-de-FRICKIN' doo."
"Oh yeah. One other charge: keeping vampires around us!!! How do yo-"
"Hey, let's blow up Planet X!"
"Sure! What with this here doomsday weapon, it would be a cinch!" As Angillis and SJJ were about to leave the court house, Sheriff Varan intercepted them.
"What's this I hear about you two having a doomsday device?"
"Uh, yeah. We were just fixing to go blow up Planet X," the resident robo-vamp admitted.
"Are you SURE you have such a contraption or is this another of your little ruses to keep things 'interesting' around here?" The Sheriff didn't really care what got blown up as long as it wasn't in his jurisdiction. Angillis started fidgeting and both Varan and the Count figured what he might have to say wouldn't be very good.
"I hate to tell you this, Count, but our stolen doomsday device was... stolen."
"Oh, great..." Varan groaned. "Any idea who might have taken it?" Ang tried to curl up into as small a target as possible.
"It was the Xians themselves. They mentioned having 'a purpose' for it."
Chapter 12: URBAN IMPROVEMENT
Two Kamacuras are heading towards Roostville
"Two? That's all?" Sheriff Varan wondered. The PA buzzed to life again.
Make that 20,000
"We're doomed!" croaked a visiting tourist.
"OPEN SEASON!" Sheriff Varan shouted, along with every citizen of the town.
High above the Earth, the Xian Controller glared at the Kamacuras and fired the Weapon of Mass Destruction. However, the device (which was really just a big laser gun) made a popping noise and a little stick with a piece of paper attached to it popped out of the barrel. It read:
Haha! Just kidding.
The Xian sweated. "It was a fluke..." Seeing the failure of the attack, everyone in Roostville who already hadn't done so took up arms. But then, Evil Genius Man appeared. He had stepped outside during the trial proceedings because he believed "legal action is for wimps!"
"Now is the perfect time to test MY new weapon!" And with that, he pulled out his Really Big Honkin' Shotgun and started blasting away. He annihilated several Kamacuras and 'accidentally' took out about a third of the Gyaos in the process. However, he soon realized that this would not be enough. The evil deranged madman tossed away the RBHS and morphed into his avatar, GMK Godzilla! Charging forward, the mad genius turned were-Goji unloaded with several IKBRODs, turning hundreds of the wimpy insect Kaiju into charred heaps.
"So much for relying on those insects to clear the area for our construction project," the Controller remarked, bringing their newest armament to bear on the valley at the foot of Hedorah Hills. A beam shot from the saucer and began laser planing the area, removing all trace of trees, foliage, boulders and other debris. Leaving the Xians to their urban renewal project, Bato-Goji, Miyako and Ubergeek swapped yet another terrified look.
"Uh... when did EGM start turning into a friggin' Demon-Goji?"
"If I were him, that would be the least of my worries." The three spun around to behold an incensed Irys, several thousand of its Gyaos charges hovering behind. The Head Blood Bat® had rounded on an aghast Judge Saruman.
"Well, THAT just brought the count up to 980 Kaiju Slaughter cases. Any response?" Rolling his eyes, the bearded mage made a dismissive wave in the Evil Genius Oni-Godzilla's general direction.
"Go ahead and shred him if it'll make you feel any better."
"Oh, it will!" Rocketing into the air, Irys screamed a hideous war cry, echoed by the Gyaos legion as they dove to the attack. The assembled Roostafarians, perfectly happy to let the two terrors (hopefully) eliminate one another, beat feet/wings/pseudopods out of the way. Abruptly realizing his plight, EGM unleashed another Blue Ray o' Doom, prompting the Gyaos formation to split up in a lightning-fast evasive maneuver. One winged horror, caught through a wing by the lance of demoniac nuclear energy, spiraled flaming from the air, raising a cacophony of enraged shrieks from the multitude.
"And that would bring it up to 981," noted the Alpha Gyaos. The court groaned. Within the next several seconds, approximately 223 sonic cutting beams played over, across and through EGM's Goji-form, opening an equal number of gashes in his scaly hide. Now gushing enough ichor to fill a small lake, the transformed megalomaniac snarled defiantly at his tormenters, then bellowed his rage upon noting a descending tentacled form.
"@$#$ing @#$clowns! I wasn't shooting STRAIGHT at you!"
"Eloquent argument. Not so much fun when you're the one being mangled, is it?" Optic orb glowing fiendishly, Irys touched down, readied its various lethal appendages for action and charged. EGM, bellowing his fury, lunged forward with gaping jaws, intent on converting his foe's head to a squishy mess. Ducking aside, Irys popped him in the face, delivered several hooks to the gut as the Demon-Goji reeled back and head-butted him to add insult to injury. Now consumed with an apoplectic fury, the Genius released a shrill shriek and spun, bringing his tail into play. That proved an unwise move as four tentacles lashed out to ensnare the offending appendage, as well as bind the GMK-doppleganger's feet together. A moment later, pain lanced through EGM's back. Irys, moving in to back-stab the Demon-Goji, shuddered with the influx of power as his energy-sucking spurs tasted the heady elixir of Spirit Saurian©. Stepping back, Irys aimed his tentacle-tips and allowed EGM to regain his feet and turn.
Overheard was a distinct, "Aw, @#@#!" as Roostville's resident super villain was literally blasted into next week with four Blue Rays of Doom®©.
At the Ogasawara Daikaiju Preserve©, technicians noted a temporal anomaly and groaned.
"Not another ROOSTVILLE problem!!!"
Several semi-crispy Kamacuri crawled up to the Head Gyaos.
"We, too, would like to seek legal action against this Roostville. May we join you?" The bat-winged fiend cocked its flattened head.
"Lemme think on that... nah." Grisly insecticide ensued. After reconstituting his body from dark energies, Evil Genius Man joined the rest of the assembled Roostafarians and Kaiju as they returned to the court house. Seething at his defeat, the evil madman made a mental note to give the Gyaos mutant a very slow and painful death as soon as the trial was over. He then grinned, knowing the perfect way to accomplish that goal.
"Now," Irys addressed the bench. "Can we PLEASE get this trial restarted?"
"Alright, alright," said Judge Saruman. "The case of Irys and the Gyaos versus the City of Roostville will now resume. The prosecution may now present their case."
Then Gamera (with a mechanical right hand ) burst in and shouted, "I'm here to sue Irys for the damage to my hand!"
Evil Genius Man stood up and gave a roar of unsuppressed rage. "YOU WERE THE ONE WHO BLEW IT OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!" He wanted to annihilate Gamera where he stood.
"CAN WE PLEASE GET THIS TRIAL OVER WITH SO I CAN MANGLE IRYS?!" Gamera hissed. Everyone cringed. "AND IF ANYONE ELSE INTERRUPTS, I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE THAT YOU DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH!!"
"Well, anyway," Irys began. "The Gyaos have come to Roostville on many occasions but each time, many have been killed. I believe the total is now 981. We have evidence here that proves..."
Two Hours Later
"And thus, your honor, I rest my case," Irys closed.
"Very well. Now the defense shall present its case," Judge Saruman ordered.
Professor Phish dashed down the street, finally locating the Sheriff.
"Ah, Sheriff, I've got a solution to that there Gyaos lawsuit problem." He shook his head and whacked it against the missile slung across his back, one with a giant biohazard label before slinging it down to the ground with a loud CLANG! "This is my brand new XM-28 Killer Death Missile, with MIRV capability, containing 27 LEM-2 Layer-Seeking Missiles. And since there's such a big case going on in town, I was wondering if I could give it a test. Pretty please? Ooh, bug Kaiju! And here I left my Super Spray-O-Matic back at the lab..."
Space Varen rushed inside and showed the court that the Gyaos and Legion were guilty of manslaughter. His photos included:
Back at the Court House:
- Gyaos eating people and dicing them up with sonic beams.
- Space Gyaos taking over Terra.
- Gyaos causing lots of damage and eating people.
- Irys destroying Japan and sucking peoples' energy.
"Which are protected by... Um, forget I said anything..." SJJ was given no opportunity to finish his statement as a royally pissed Gamera saucer-spun back into the courtroom, throwing EGM through the wall in the process. His jaw clenched tightly enough to fuse teeth together, Saruman deliberately tuned out the Oni-Goji's shrieks of agony.
"Oddly enough, the crystal reptilioid seems to have a point. Gyaos, by and large, have caused their fair share of death and property damage and as such, have received a good bit of the same. For the sake of my continued sanity, I call a half hour recess to consider the evidence presented." Irys, despite the lack of a tangible face, managed to look disgruntled.
"Fair enough, mage. C'mon, boys. Let's get some seats and see how the Turtle's doing." Perking up at this promise of carnage, the Gyaos horde trooped out of the courtroom as peacefully as they'd arrived. Outside, Gamera had forced the Genius into a headlock with his organic arm and was gleefully punching a tattoo in the Demon-Goji's windpipe with the adamantium fist. Vaguely annoyed that rather little gore and human casualties had accumulated, the Gyaos settled down atop the Business District's towers with super-sized bags of popcorn.
Nearby, Sheriff Varan patiently explained to the Phishy one that standard Court procedure, even factoring in the bizarre incidents that plagued Roostville, didn't quite allow for field testing anti-Kaiju weaponry on the prosecution.
"Feel free to play with those damn bugs, though. And before I forget, you see a sentient cat hereabouts?"
"You mean Catbert?"
"Yeah. You might wanna see him about that missing Doomsday Weapon."
"Thanks... Ah'll keep that in mind."
Roaring in fury, the evil Demon-Goji spun his head and fired an IKBROD straight into Gammy's face, sending the uber-turtle into a nearby building.
"I annihilated you! Why are you still alive? Don't tell me those idiots at Daiei gave you the power to regenerate your body from molecules!"
Pulling himself out of the rubble, Gamera explained, "Nah. They recreated my body as a bonus for winning DESUMACCHI II." The evil Goji laughed maniacally.
"You know," he said, the grin on his face growing bigger by the second, "You really shouldn't have told me that. I might have given up if I was facing an opponent I couldn't beat." There was a flash of light and in place of the Demon-Goji now stood a rather evil looking version of Heisei Godzilla. "It is true that GMK Goji is very evil but he pales in comparison to the most powerful of all Godzillas!" And with that, he proceeded to annihilate Gamera (again) with a monstrous spiral ray. It was then that Saruman walked out of the court house.
"I have reached a decision."
Chapter 13: THE VERDICT
"Super Jet Jaguar shall be sent to the Moo... oh, wrong case. Sorry. I will have to think some more on the Gyaos situation..." A few minutes later, Saruman emerged again. "I have found the defendant... not guilty."
"WHAT??!!" Irys roared.
"I have found that the vast majority of the Kaiju Slaughter cases were in defense of the City of Roostville." Irys, who at this point was absolutely furious, screamed in rage and began to destroy the town, along with the rest of the Gyaos. It was obvious that since they had not won their lawsuit, they would just have to annihilate Roostville.
Evil Genius Man, who had returned to his human form, leaned over to Saruman and asked, "So can we kill 'em now?"
"Go right ahead."
"Hey, not me!!! Kill HER!!!" yelled SJJ.
"Oh okay..." EGM agreed.
"So why will he go to the Moon?" asked Uber.
"Well, for all that fake evidence. Also, his castle is blocking the sunlight." Soon after court adjourned, the Blood Bank was robbed.
Before Judge Saruman could hang up his robe and sneak out through the back door, the Hedorah Hills Neighborhood Association showed up at the court house. He quickly hid his hunting rifle in the folds of the garment, hoping there would be some Gyaos left for a little target practice by the time this latest bunch of disgruntled (but influential) citizens was dealt with.
"And what can I do for you fine folks?" he asked Andross.
"You do realize what an eyesore a transmission tower on top of Mt. Aso will be, don't you? Not to mention the PEOPLE that are everywhere with their lawn chairs, litter and even CAMPING TRAILERS!"
"He is absolutely right!" Kedzuel added before the Judge could even open his mouth. "Since the Xians started building that... that MONSTROSITY in the Valley, Hedorah Hills itself is being overrun with... SPORTS FANS!" The famous writer made the two words sound worse than Gyaos droppings (which hadn't even been brought up in the recent court proceedings, luckily).
"Look at it this way, folks," Saruman thought quickly. "The addition of the Colosseum isn't costing a cent of taxpayer's money. And the view of the arena from Hedorah Hills is something you can enjoy from your own yard without having to deal with thousands of... sports fans." Looking around the group, he realized he wasn't doing a very good job of selling the Dark Lord's latest behind-the-scenes doings but plunged on anyway. "Think how you can impress your guests by providing such a terrific view from your deck when you entertain..." At least they were now whispering among themselves and even nodding in agreement.
"I guess that is a possibility," Miss Graham conceded, though still doubting anything that had to do with Xians and of course, "sports", particularly Roostville's strange fascination with giant monsters duking it out.
"I'll see if we can't get some greenery or other... landscaping for the relay tower," Saruman promised, more anxious than ever that he wouldn't be able to bag his limit of Gyaos before the rest of the town annihilated them all.
"Very well," Mr. Smith agreed and the local aristocracy departed. With a sigh of relief, Judge Saruman quickly grabbed his rifle and left the court house before anything else could go wrong in the little town called Roostville.
Chapter 14: THE IGNORE CANNON
"What the heck did you do to this place?"
"Uhhhhh... Long story."
"Yeah, well anyway, let's just say none of this happened. It's getting out of control... BRING IN THE IGNORE CANNON THAT WILL UNDO THE EVENTS THAT TRANSPIRED HERE!"
"YEAH! GAMINGBOY'S BACK! HE MIGHT BRING HALF-SANE INSANITY BACK!"
"That's me. Now... EVERYONE DUCK! The Ignore Cannon is going to fire in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..." It did and suddenly, everyone was looking around, belittled.
"What are we doing here?"
"What's with the town being in total wreck?"
"Can we eat now?"
"Hey! Who stole my Ignore Cannon? GB musta got back... DARN!" yelled SJJ when he returned to his castle. Catbert was uneffected. He tortured Simon Cowell until he confessed that HE had stolen the Ignore Cannon and given it to Gamingboy!
"Blood is gonna fly if I don't get my cannon back!" swore the vamp as he transformed into a wolf to stalk his prey.
"THE END OF ANOTHER ONE!" DECLARED GAMINGBOY, CREATOR OF ROOSTVILLE, THUS MAKING HIM THE EQUIVALENT OF GOD.But watch out, because the next one is... GAMINGBOY FOR MAYOR! Roostville Election!